


Dean Winchester hates me. . . and my cat bit him

by acapellanerd



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent John, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Brother Feels, Bullying, Cutting, Dead Mary Winchester, Depressed Castiel, Depressed Dean, Destiel-Freeform, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenage Castiel/Teenage Dean Winchester, Underage - Freeform, Underage Drinking, Young Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-10 15:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4396610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acapellanerd/pseuds/acapellanerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester hates me. I mean, I have never met someone with so much hatred towards someone they don't even know, but according to the rest of the human population that is a completely legitimate reason. Every single time he even sees me, whether it's in the hallway, or around town, which just so happens to be normal considering Star's Hollow is the smallest town in New Jersey, he immediately stares at me with those beautiful, I mean, disgustingly ugly green eyes that you can see the future through if you stare for at least 30 seconds. But, I mean, I would never stare into his eyes like that, psshhh, oh who am I kidding, I have a problem.  Oh and my cat bit him, sorry, that was random, but my cat, Stuart, who is grey, and soft, and completely adorable and loveable by the way, ran out the door when my stupid brother Gabriel held my front door open too long, and of course of all the people to be standing there walking down the street, it had to be Dean frickin Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Starstruck

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is my first fanfiction I have ever posted online before but I have written a lot, I just never made it open to the public. Anything in italics is a diary entry either from Dean or Castiel to their mothers. This is a high school au but Dean and Castiel have a lot going on at home as far as that is concerned. I plan on this being pretty long, at least 50,000 words but probably more. I will try to update weekly, most likely on Sundays, but I am currently off for the summer so I will probably update almost daily for a couple of weeks. I am completely open to feedback and would actually really appreciate it. So thanks for reading, and I hope you guys enjoy!!!!!

_Dear Mom,_

_Dean Winchester hates me. I mean, I have never met someone with so much hatred towards someone they don't even know, but according to the rest of the human population that is a completely legitimate reason. Every single time he even sees me, whether it's in the hallway, or around town, which just so happens to be normal considering Star's Hollow is the smallest town in New Jersey, he immediately stares at me with those beautiful, I mean, disgustingly ugly green eyes that you can see the future through if you stare for at least 30 seconds. But, I mean, I would never stare into his eyes like that, psshhh, oh who am I kidding, I have a problem. Oh and my cat bit him, sorry, that was random, but my cat, Stuart, who is grey, and soft, and completely adorable and loveable by the way, ran out the door when my stupid brother Gabriel held my front door open too long, and of course of all the people to be standing there walking down the street, it had to be Dean frickin Winchester. Although it was actually pretty adorafunny, yeah, funny, because he looked at my kitten with eyes of terror as it went up to him and brushed up against his leg and nibbled at his leg almost like a love bite but then it heard me call it and ran into my arms and I tried to apologize but the second Dean realized that it was my cat he ran down the street like he had seen a ghost. But anyways, back to my problem, I am completely and utterly head over heels in love with him, so yes, obviously I am gay, which, you know what, if liking dick is a sin, then send me straight to hell because I bet it is fabulous, but yes I am an idiot because I fell in love with number one, a person I barely even know, and number two, a person that hates me with a burning passion. But that is just the beginning of my problems, the next problem I have to deal with is actually getting up and out of my comfortable bed considering school starts in about 22 minutes. Shit, goodbye, wish me good luck._

Castiel puts his diary on his nightstand and practically jumps out of his bed because it takes 15 minutes to bike up to his school on a good day as it is and considering it is pouring rain, things are not looking good for him. Yet he wears almost exactly the same thing every day so he doesn't really have all that much to worry about but Castiel is still panicking, he quickly puts on his white dress shirt and black dress pants and somewhat fails with his blue tie but Charlie thinks that his crooked blue tie is adorable so he just brushes it off and grabs his trench coat his mom got for him a couple years back and takes one look in the mirror. As much as he tried to tame his crazy bed hair, it pretty much looks exactly as it was and Castiel just sighs and runs out the door, almost forgetting his book bag and takes off, pedaling as fast as possible and when he finally gets to the familiar crosswalk that is the final path to the building of death, he hears the familiar rumble of the engine of Dean’s beloved impala and can’t help but smile a little to himself and that’s when he sees Dean, that leather jacket that compliments all of his curves perfectly, the tight faded jeans and of course the gold amulet that Castiel is pretty sure Dean never takes off and he can’t help but stare and then he and Dean’s eyes meet. It is almost as if time stops as they just stare into each other’s eyes.

The only piece of reality left is the rock music softly playing in the background until what seems like hours later when the car behind Dean honks it’s horn and Dean loses eye contact and realizes that his little brother Sam is screaming for him to drive and he takes off, and Castiel realizes that he has a walk sign and quickly bikes through it and around the back of the school, locks his bike in place, and quickly runs into the school and runs for the bathroom to try and dry himself off somewhat but he only has about five minutes to go to his locker so he gives up and runs to his locker and to his English class and is immediately greeted with a smile from his new best friend Charlie and she can just see how shitty he feels so the second he goes for his seat she stands up and opens her arms out wide and Castiel just falls into them accepting the hug and sitting back down.

“So Cassie…” Charlie says grabbing her notebook and pen, “It looks like you’ve had a great morning.”

“Yeah” Castiel says sarcastically grabbing his English binder and settling down into his seat.

“You wanna talk about it?” Charlie asks but Castiel quickly responds.

“No, I’m fine. . . Thanks though.” Castiel says and Charlie smiles and gets ready for the class herself.

The class starts and about halfway through, the door opens and in comes Dean all confused and embarrassed and Castiel can't help but stare, as usual, but this time Charlie notices.

"So, uh. . . whatcha lookin at, or who, I should say." Charlie says while Dean shows their teacher his hall pass and takes his seat.

"Oh, um, nothing." Castiel says blushing and looking back down to his notebook to what he was just taking notes on and is quickly reminded of his problem.

He realizes that when Dean walked in, instead of taking notes, he wrote Dean at least 20 times which he quickly tries to cover up but it is already much too late and Charlie sees it.

"Oh yeah, sure." She says but by the time she starts talking once again, the teacher gets the class back together and Castiel has never been so thankful for his English teacher in his life.

Throughout the rest of the class, the only thing on Castiel's mind is Dean and he gives up on learning and paying attention and just stares at Dean for the remainder of the class. Every 20 seconds or so Dean will look his way and he and Castiel stare at each other until Dean makes eye contact with Charlie who is just looking at him with this big smirk on her face and Dean quickly looks away but almost instantaneously the bell rings and there is no escaping Charlie because her, Dean, and Castiel all share the next class. It also just so happens that Dean and Charlie are best friends as well so she grabs Dean and practically throws him at Castiel

"Hey Dean, this is Castiel." She says motioning for him to shake Castiel's hand but Dean just kind of stands there awestruck and in a daze so Charlie grabs his hand and grabs Castiel's hand and Dean manages to remember how to speak.

"Hi, my name is Dean, and I know you, you're Cas, you're new here." Dean says trying to save the small piece of dignity he has left and he acts all cool.

"My name is actually Castiel by the way, and I know you too, my cat bit you." Castiel replies almost running into a locker about 7 times throughout the statement but Dean just acts like he doesn't even notice.

"I know, but your name is long, and I like Cas better, unless you don't like it, but yes I remember your cat biting me. . ."

Castiel quickly replies in panic. "Oh no, I like it, it's just, no one has ever called me that before is all, I guess, and uh. . . I'm sorry my cat bit you." Castiel is still shocked that Dean is even talking to him.

"Oh no, it's cool." Dean says scratching the back of his neck.

"So uh, I'm having this game night where um me and my friends all order pizza and play video games and watch movies and stuff and I was wondering if... maybe, you'd like to come, I mean, unless you're not into that sort of thing which is totally alright I guess, it's just, if Charlie thinks you're cool, then I must be missing out on something." Dean says nervously and Castiel is on cloud nine.

"I'd love to come, when is it?" Castiel says, his voice almost cracking which is when he gets pulled back into reality and realizes that they are stepping into the classroom.

"Really, awesome! It's Friday, Charlie can give you a ride, she'll be there, see you then." Dean says and takes his seat smiling ear to ear for the first time in a long time.

Over the next couple of days Dean and Cas hang out a lot, realizing that they have a lot in common, from their schedules to their lives at home.

_Dear Mom,_

_I met a boy named Cas today. He has these amazing blue eyes that just sparkle every time he smiles and I finally met someone that understands me. Ever since the fire. . . Dad just hasn't been the same. He comes home drunk almost every night, beating it out of his system, and I have to protect Sammy, so I take most if it, and all the money from my job goes to the bills and food and Mom. I just feel like through it all. . . I've lost a part of myself but when I'm with Cas I just feel. . . whole again, you know? And I know Dad doesn't approve but I can't help who I am, I just. Goodbye Mom, I love you._

_With love, Dean_

__

 


	2. The Truth hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* Sorry guys, this chapter is sad but the end makes it all better so life is ok and yeah. Enjoy!

Friday comes a lot faster than Castiel thought it would but he is actually really excited because he and Dean have spent a lot of time together lately. That first day that they had met, Dean had taken them to his favorite diner, The Roadhouse and Dean felt as though he had known Cas almost all of his life.

"So Cas. . . where do your parents work?" Dean said after asking practically every question he could think of from his favorite color to his deepest darkest secrets.

"Well my dad is an author and he is always gone, moving from country to country." Castiel said and Dean could tell that something was wrong just by the way Cas was looking down at his glass and stirring the liquid.

"Hey Cas, what's wrong. . . was it something I said Dean said worriedly and he suddenly felt a wave of guilt for pushing Cas like this but Castiel responded.

"No, Dean, it's not you, it's just, my mom. . ." Castiel said starting to trail off and Dean saw a tear drop run down his face and Castiel instantly regretted being there and he figured that Dean was disgusted with him already so he might as well just leave and he started to get up but right as he did Dean got up and went over to comfort him and surprised Castiel. He motioned for Castiel to continue so Cas decided he might as well just get it over with.

"She uh. . ." Castiel said sniffling, "She died, it was a. . . drunk driver." Castiel said and he finally couldn't take it anymore and Dean pulled him into a hug right as he started sobbing and Dean could barely hold himself together but he did because he of all people knew how it felt. So he threw some money on the table and he practically carried Castiel out the door before they could make too much of a scene and he waved to Ellen as they left just so she knew not to worry and she just nodded and when they got back to the impala, Dean started comforting Cas and he immediately started apologizing.

"Dean, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. . ."Castiel said in between sobs but Dean quickly interrupted him.

"No Cas, you never have to be sorry with me. . . I understand your pain, I understand what you go through, my mom. . . she, she died in a fire, I barely remember any of it. . . all I remember is carrying my little brother Sammy out the door and then my dad barely getting out of the house before it exploded and I remember my dad trying to go back inside and screaming at me blaming me because the fire started in Sam's nursery and I was the last one in there but I was 4. .. I, I loved her so much, and that pain. . . that achy loss feeling of emptiness and guilt. . . I carry it, I carry it every single day of my life, but us Cas. . . me and you. . ." Dean said wiping his tears away and grabbing Castiel's hand and wiping his tears before they could fall onto his beloved trench coat.

"We're in this together, you and me, you hear" Dean said and Castiel nodded just enough for dean to notice and he clenched Dean's hand tighter, laying on top of his stomach.

"You are not alone anymore" Dean said and then the boys just sat there and held each other, silent tears running down their faces, but neither of them moved at all, too afraid of losing the feeling of shelter and safety because it was the first time they had felt anything like that in years. So they just sat there until after a while, Castiel lifted up the sleeves of his trench coat to reveal several scars from cutting and several new ones closer to the end of his wrists and Dean looked at them and back to his arms and lifted the sleeves of his leather jacket to reveal almost the same identical pattern yet his scars and new cuts went higher than Castiel's and they just looked at each other and held each other closer until after what seemed like decades and Castiel finally spoke once again.

"I was there you know. . ." Castiel said softly shifting his weight a little bit to relieve Dean a little bit.

"We were walking back from the thrift store because I had been complaining about needing a new coat for weeks so I picked out the closest trench coat I could find that looked somewhat similar to my mom's and I wore it on the way back despite how big it was on me. . . it's the one I'm wearing now." Castiel said sniffling and Dean inched closer and wiped away his tears then reached down to grab his hand once again.

"The car. . ." Cas said looking down once again.

"It came out of nowhere and she. . . she pushed me out of the way, the, the only thing keeping her from bleeding out was the car and they had to move it before my dad got there and she, she died almost instantly after that." Cas said staring off into the distance.

"My dad, he, he always has blamed me for it. . . saying if I only hadn't needed a coat but I know deep down that it's not. . .but sometimes. . .when I'm really down and stuff. . . I forget all that and just feel. . .guilty, you know?"Castiel said looking up at Dean.

"Yes Cas. . ."Dean said sighing.

"I know exactly what you mean."

Then Cas just stared up at Dean and licked his lips and bit his bottom lip and he could have sworn that he saw Dean lean in but Dean got up and motioned for Cas to sit in the front seat and he asked Castiel where he lived and for the rest of the car ride to Castiel's house, they just sat in silence despite the soft rock music playing in the background, slowly fading away.

When Castiel had gotten home that day, he hated himself, because he had finally met the love of his life and he pushed him away the first chance he got and he knew that Dean wasn't like the others, but that is what he thought about everyone else so when he was in the shower staring at the blade, he decided to let it take him and he applied the pressure of the blade to his skin and almost instantly he felt the release that he had been addicted to for years now. He let all thoughts of being with Dean and how he had thought that Dean had leaned in slip out of himself and he went to sleep, silently crying as usual.

But the next day, he was woken up to his phone ringing.

" **Hello** " Castiel said sleepily.

" **Hey Cas, sorry to wake you, it's Dean, I just, Charlie mentioned to me that you bike to school and it's raining again as usual and I was just wondering if maybe you wanted a ride because you only live a block away from me so it is no problem at all, and I would hate for you to walk.** " Dean said sleepily as well.

" **And oh I got your number from Charlie, by the way, so I guess you can officially call me a stalker now because I think I have definitely reached stalker status by now."** Dean said and Castiel was still so shocked that Dean was even talking to him that he didn't even know what to say.

" **Yeah, I'd love, I mean, like it if you gave me a ride."** Castiel said and he just shook his head at his own awkwardness.

" **Really, awesome, ok I'll be there in 15 minutes, I have to drop my little brother Sam off at the middle school as well but it shouldn't take that long because they are right across from each other so I guess I will see you then, bye Cas."**

**"Bye, Dean"**

And ever since then Castiel has been the happiest person alive. Dean has picked up and dropped off Cas ever day and Sam is pretty great too, although he hates the fact that Dean always calls him Sammy and ruffles his hair but it is kind of adorable in Cas's mind so he just sits back and enjoys it. Castiel is really excited because Fridays are the only days when he has school that he doesn't wear his trench coat because his mom always had casual work days then and never wore hers and she also never wore hers on the weekends either because she didn't work then so Castiel decides to wear one of his favorite outfits. Castiel remembers Dean complimenting his eyeliner when he wore it once with his trench coat so he wore it again and his black ripped skinny jeans, his favorite blue t-shirt and his black hoodie. His final touch was his black doc martens and he decides to put in his piercings, one on each eyebrow, a nose one, and a lip piercing because it is Friday after all.

When Castiel hears the rumble of the impala, he quickly comes down the stairs, screaming bye to his brother Gabriel and he opens the door just as Dean goes to knock and Dean just stares at him with his mouth almost completely open and he just keeps looking Cas up and down checking him out but Cas just blows it off, assuming that Dean is shocked to see him without his trench coat but Dean licks his lips and bites his lower lip and he can't help but be completely turned on by how hot Cas looks right now but he quickly blows it off and walks back towards the impala.

"Wow, Cas, you look amazing" Dean says when they get in blushing. 

"Yeah, I agree" Sam says and then Castiel blushes and thanks him and Dean gets pulled back into reality because he realizes that he has a boner through his jeans and he quickly pulls his jacket down but Sam sees it and starts dying laughing.

"What's so funny Sam?" Cas says so innocently and that just pushes Sam even farther over the edge until Dean gives him the death glare and says "Oh nothing Cas, Sam is just very weird sometimes"

Sam eventually stops and Dean drives as quickly as he can to the high school and when they meet Charlie at their usual spot, he grabs her and mumbles something about meeting Cas in class and he practically drags her to their secluded lunch spot and she is so very confused.

"What the hell was that Winchester?" She says annoyed and Dean quickly interrupts her.

"I have a problem and you are going to listen to what I am saying and you are not going to laugh when I show you something, ok?" he says nervously.

"Ok?" she says even more confused than before.

"Ok, so I, I have the biggest crush known to man on Castiel Novak" He says blushing and Charlie raises her hands in victory.

"Yes, I knew it!" She says but Dean quickly interrupts her again.

"And he isn't wearing his trench coat today and he looks amazingly attractive and I picked him up and you, you have to promise not to laugh ok?"He says completely embarrassed and nervous.

"Yes, I promise." she says, putting her hands up in the air in surrender.

So Dean slowly lifts up his leather jacket and the second she sees it, she can't help but laugh and Dean just puts his hands up in the air in defeat.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just. . ." Charlie says laughing practically rolling on the ground, "You are so far gone Winchester."

"I know, but what do I do, I'm at school, there will be people in the bathrooms and class is about to start and oh my gosh, I am such an idiot" He says freaking out and Charlie goes up to him and puts her hands on his shoulders.

"Dean, breathe." She says waiting for him to do it so he does and she continues.

"Go to the football locker rooms which you have a key for even though it is off season and cool. . . it down, no one will be in there, and I will cover for you in English, just give me your planner and I will forge the secretary's signature." she says and it is times like these that he is so thankful that Charlie is his best friend because without her, he doesn't even know what he would've done. He hands her the planner and she signs it and he practically makes a run for the football locker rooms.

Once he gets there, he hears the bell and thanks whoever the hell is out there that he made it in time so none of the teachers on that side of the school suspected anything. He quickly goes to the sink and starts splashing water on his cock trying to calm it down but the only thing on his mind is Cas and the eyeliner and his blue eyes and he can't help but touch his tip and he moans in pleasure. He then starts jerking off thinking of Cas whispering sweet nothings in his ear and Cas's hand being the one doing this to him and he comes with a scream of Castiel's name and he actually has to sit down because he is still seeing the stars from the best orgasm he has ever had in his entire life. He finally stands up and cleans himself off and makes his way back to the classroom and the second he walks in and sees Cas, that familiar feeling from the locker room is back, just at a lower intensity and isn't noticeable.

This is going to be a long day.


	3. Game Night and There's always a first for everything

Throughout the rest of the day, Dean must have jerked off in that football locker room at least 3 times, each time lasting even less than before and coming screaming Castiel's name over and over, and seeing the stars. Nonetheless Dean was so excited for game night and the fact that Cas was coming, and he was just so happy, his dad would be gone all night drinking, and he was going to get drunk tonight, if it was the last thing he ever did. As the day comes to an end and he and Castiel walk back to the impala, Castiel can't seem to hide his excitement either.

"Dean, I can't even begin to express how excited I am for tonight." Castiel says and Dean smiles and blushes.

"I know, me too Cas, if you want you can come early and help us set up, it's just me and Sam so it might be nice to have an extra set of hands" Dean said right as they pulled up to the curb.

"Yeah, I'd love that" Cas said and they both turned to see Sam giving himself a pep talk and then he saw Jess, and he went up to her and they just kind of awkwardly looked at each other until Sam grabbed the loose strand of her blond, wavy hair and tucked it behind her ear and he kissed her, bending her backwards almost like in the movies and she reached up to put her arms around his shoulders and she smiled into the kiss and it was almost like time stopped for them as Dean rolled down the window and he and Cas started whistling and whooping and all of Sam's friends joined in. Dean and Cas had been trying to convince Sam to kiss Jess for days and they were so glad he finally did and he finally broke away from her but she grabbed him back and waved for Dean to go and jumped up into his arms and they started making out as Sam carried her around to the back of the school and Dean knew Jess would walk Sam home so he drove off continuing the noises with Cas until they drove down the road.

Dean trusted Jess, she and Sam had been friends for years and he had liked her ever since but he was such a wimp sometimes, moving on though, Dean couldn't help but imagine that being him and Cas though and it kind of made him sad but at the same time it did give him another fantasy which in Dean's mind, you could never have enough fantasies but little did Dean know, Cas was daydreaming out the car window about the exact same thing so when they finally get to Dean's house, they are both pulled out of their daze and Dean quickly starts cleaning up and right then he gets a text from Sam.

" **Hey Dean, is it ok if I bring Jess to game night? :)"**

**"Yeah, that's fine, just make sure you keep the moaning to a minimum when it gets later at night ;)"**

**"Oh my gosh Dean you are so gross!!!!!!!"**

**"And you txt like a girl bitch"**

**"Do not jerk"**

**"Love you, txt me when you guys are almost here"**

**"Love you too and ok"**

Then Dean got back to cleaning which didn't take very long especially with Cas helping and they were soon done and picking out potential movies for later that night. Castiel was sitting there looking at Star Trek like it was an alien species in and of itself so Dean asked him about it.

"So I'm guessing you're not a trekkie then, huh, well don't tell Charlie that because she is pretty hardcore and so is her girlfriend Jo, although Jo is more tomboyish, not saying that Charlie isn't but Jo isnt exactly a hacker so she gets props towards that although being a hacker has major props." Dean says and Castiel just kind of continues looking at it.

"Actually, I have never seen it." Cas says and Dean is shocked.

"Nooooooooo!" Dean says but Castiel just nods.

"Ok then it's decided, we are watching Star Trek because you have no idea what you are missing out on." Dean says setting it by the tv and he decides to ask Castiel something.

"So Castiel, do you um, have, a girlfriend?" Dean says under his breath because really he is dying to know considering if Cas isn't at least bisexual like he is then he is totally screwed over.

"Well actually um, no, I don't exactly, um I like, I'm uh, oh what the hell, I like dick" Cas says and then immediately regrets it but Dean just starts to laugh and Cas relaxes.

"Well there is nothing wrong with liking dick Cas, you just caught me off guard" Dean says finally."

"What, the piercings and the eyeliner didn't point you in the right direction" Cas says sarcastically and Dean can't help but laugh again.

"You'd be surprised" Dean says, "I just don't like to assume anything is all."

"Oh well what about you Dean, any girls I should expect to see tonight." Cas says and Dean just scratches his head.

"No but unlike you, all is welcome in my world, including dick, but dick is probably my top choice." Dean says and Castiel's jaw is wide open.

"Really, the almighty Dean Winchester is interested in dick as well." Cas says as he plops down on the couch and Dean plops down next to him and Cas lays on him.

"Actually one dick in particular right now but you know he probably doesn't even like me back." Dean says grabbing the whiskey from the ottoman and taking a sip and Cas follows.

"Well welcome to the fall in love with the wrong person club" Castiel says and Dean goes and grabs them both a glass and hands Cas one and says cheers to that and by the time the rest of the guests arrive Castiel and Dean are pleasantly buzzed.

"Hey bitches"Charlie says leading Jo inside the Winchester home and she just nods at Sam who is already making out with Jess and Charlie and Jo both hug Dean and Cas. Charlie had introduced Cas to Jo a few weeks back so he practically knew everyone that was there and right after Charlie and Jo decide to go compete with Sam and Jess and Charlie grabs a bottle of vodka out of the cabinet and pushes Jo up against a wall and they start making out as well. So Dean and Cas awkwardly start playing call of duty black ops and Castiel kind of sucks but Dean doesn't mind, they were having a great time and Dean won for the tenth time and he smiles so bright that Castiel doesn't even care that he just lost again. Charlie and Jo want to dance so Dean puts on some music and all of them are drunk so they dance and have a great time and before they all know it, it's like midnight, and then a slow song comes on and Dean flirtaciously asks Castiel to dance and they just kind of sway.

_Deep down I know this never works_

_But won't you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt_

_Oh won't you stay with me_

_Cause you're all I need_

_This ain't love, it's clear to see_

_But darling stay with me_

Dean softly sings in Castiel's ear and Castiel lays his head on Dean's shoulder never wanting the moment to end. When the song is over, everyone wants to play spin the bottle so they all play and Sam ends up having to kiss Charlie which is completely hilarious and he just kind of pecks her and goes back and kisses Jess almost to keep Jo from killing him and the funny thing is that neither Sam or Jess are drunk because they aren't old enough in Dean's book, eighth graders shouldn't drink, yet he lets them play spin the bottle, he knows he will regret that later but he is too drunk to care at the moment. It is finally Dean's turn and the bottle slowly passes up Charlie and lands on Cas and time stops for Dean. He licks his lips and watches Cas do the same and then he leans in and before he knows it he and Cas are making out, it is slow and Dean slowly lifts his hand up to meet Cas's face and it is almost like he can't even see anyone but Cas in the moment until Dean hears the front door and in comes the one person Dean never expected to see tonight- John Winchester.

"You filthy faggot, get out of my house you worthless piece of shit" John slurs going straight for Cas but Dean pushes him out of the way and braces himself as John punches Dean straight in the face. Jess screams and Dean manages to get the rest of them out of the house and locks the front door and Cas stands there bawling, pounding on the door for Dean to let him in but all he can hear is Dean getting screamed at and pounded into. 

"You aren't my son, you disgust me, you don't deserve anyone, the food I put on the table, you killed her Dean, Mary, it's all your fault and you deserve to die, I hate you, you might as well be a speck of dirt on the floor Dean because I want to step on you and kill you, but you don't deserve mercy, you deserve to suffer for your entire life like you're mother and I did the second she gave birth to you" John says relentlessly punching Dean and when he finally stops, Dean is barely even conscious and bleeding profusely. Then Cas finally manages to break through the door and he sees Dean all bloody and bruised and he barely makes it out of the house before he vomits all over the ground and Charlie and Jo run back outside and do the same after they see Dean and Cas tells Sam to call 911 and Jess is sobbing into his shoulder because she really did love Dean just like a brother as well. 

"Hello, this is Sam Winchester, my brother fell down the stairs and hit his head on the railing and he is barely breathing, uh yeah 2245 main st, please get here as soon as possible" Sam says and they carry Dean to the outside area and the ambulance arrives very quickly and only Sam is allowed to come because he is family but Jess calls her older brother and he drops them off at the hospital.

They perform surgery on Dean and manage to save his ribs but he looks like he is in a ton of pain and throughout the rest of the weekend Charlie, Jo, Sam, Jess, and Cas all stay with Dean and when Dean wakes up, they all go in and see him trying to fake smiles but they all fail when they see Dean crying and broken. Cas goes over and tries to comfort Dean but Dean just pushes him away.

"I'm not worth it Cas, just go, all of you, you're wasting your time" Dean says looking away but Cas won't have it.

"No Dean, you look at me. . ." Cas says trying to get Dean to look at him but he keeps resisting until Cas finally wins.

"You look at me Dean Winchester, we're in this together, remember, I, I, I need you Dean, you're one of my only friends and you know me better than anyone else. I will never leave you, you hear me, I will always be here, you are not alone Dean Winchester, I am here for the long run, through the good, the bad, and the ugly, got it, I don't care if you hate me and your face is a sapling and..."

"What?" Dean says interrupting him.

"I said I don't care if you hate me and your face is a sapling and"

"Wait a sapling, as in, a baby tree" Dean says and Castiel responds.

"Yes, as in a baby tree" He says as though that is a completely normal statement and Dean just looks at Sam and the rest of the people crowded in the room and they start laughing uncontrollably.

"What?" Cas says confused and they just continue laughing.

"You, Castiel Novak, are one of the weirdest people I have ever known but you managed to cheer me up while I am lying in a hospital bed barely alive and for that I can't even begin to thank you" Dean says and he reaches up to Castiel and kisses him and immediately falls back asleep and then visitor hours are over and they have school tomorrow so Cas has to get home, and he barely escapes his brother's questions because Gabriel knows what happened so he covers for Cas while Cas sneaks past them into his room and he immediately starts sobbing but he is so tired that he falls asleep and is woken up by Gabriel waking him up and telling him Dean is there to pick him up for school and Cas practically runs down the stairs until he sees Dean and he doesn't even care that he is only wearing his boxers and that his eyes are red and puffy from last night. 

He runs and pulls Dean into a hug and Dean hugs him back tighter.

"Um, Cas, are you ok?" Dean says as Dean lets go and wipes the tears from his eyes and says "Yes, I am now."

He then runs back up, puts his clothes on, grabs his book bag, and gets in the impala silently and Dean just turns up the music but then he speaks.

"You shouldn't be here Dean, you need rest." Cas says and Dean just rolls his eyes.

"Cas, just because I broke 12 ribs and I have a black eye doesn't mean I can't go to school." Dean says and Cas punches his shoulder and Dean winces.

". . . And a dislocated right shoulder." He says and Cas apologizes and Dean just rolls it and moves on.

When they drop Sam off, Cas decides to ask Dean where they are at.

"So uh, Dean, what exactly are we here?" Castiel asks and Dean gives him a very dumbfounded look.

"What do you mean, we're friends of course, why are you asking?" Dean says defensively and Cas gets out and says "Never mind" as he walks away leaving Dean alone and sad once again. Cas avoids Dean for the rest of the day and Charlie notices and asks Dean about it at lunch.

"What the hell is up with Cas?" She asks just as they sit down and Cas is sitting a ways away from them by a tree alone.

"I don't know, he tried to ask me where we were at this morning and I said friends and I was really confused and he has just avoided me the rest of the day." Dean says biting into his burger and Charlie smacks him

"Ow, what the hell was that for?" Dean says readjusting his jaw.

"That was for being such a dumbass, Cas thinks you just rejected him, god, boys are so stupid." She says angrily and he thinks about what Charlie just said.

"What, why would he think that?" Dean says dumbly.

"You kissed him, ya idjit, in the hospital bed, and you practically made out with him during spin the bottle, then you took a punch for him, so he wants to date you and then you just blew him off like that." She says which makes him feel incredibly guilty and he puts his head in his hands.

"I mean, you do want to date him right?" She says and he finally responds.

"Of course, I do Charlie, I love him, I just, I'm sorry, I'm so stupid, and now Cas hates me and oh gosh" Dean says starting to cry but Charlie helps him.

"No Dean, don't say that, you just have to fix this, you have to show him how much you love him because he just doesn't know it" Charlies says wiping his tears.

"Yeah, but how?" Dean says sniffling.

"Come on, you are Dean fricken Winchester, you'll think of something" She says helping Dean up because the lunch bell rings and they have to get to class. Throughout the rest of the day, Dean thinks of how to make it up to Cas, but every time he tries to talk to Cas, Cas just runs away so he texts Sam to get a ride home from Jess's mom because he has to talk to Cas and Sam replies saying that he was about to ask if he could do that anyways.

Castiel is completely heartbroken and he doesn't even want to talk to Dean because he knows Dean doesn't feel the same way about him and he just, can't handle it, he skips math, cutting in the bathroom stall but goes to his last class because he doesn't want to be counted absent because of his dad so the second the bell rings he tries to make it out of there before Dean but Dean catches him right as he is about to start walking to the impala.

"Dean, I, just" but Dean interrupts him by tipping him backwards and slamming his lips into Castiel's which Castiel is completely shocked by but he kisses back and lifts his arms around Dean's neck and moans Dean into the kiss and Charlie walks out and sees them and just smiles and leans on Jo and they both just watch the adorableness.

Castiel breaks the kiss for one second to breathe and stare into Dean's beautiful green eyes and then right as they go back, Dean says "I love you Castiel Novak" and Cas says " And I love you Dean Winchester" and he jumps into Dean's arms and Dean carries him to the side wall and pushes him into the wall continuing the make out session only occasionally breaking away to breathe and then resurfacing and Castiel can't help but smile as he thinks of what is going to happen next in Dean and Cas's small little world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, I'm sorry :(. Comment, subscribe, bookmark, never read again, don't do the last one, just feel free to express your opinions, I really appreciate it, thanks you guys! P.S. I started fangirling over my own fan fiction this chapter, wow, that takes skill. Sorry, I just thought I would share that with you all. Also I hope you liked the destiel, because I sure did. Also the song in the italics is "Stay with Me" by Sam Smith just in case you didn't know.


	4. The Bunker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, Fluff, and more fluff.

Dean and Castiel sit there lazily making out behind the school, not a care in the world besides themselves. Charlie and Jo had come by and expressed their support but Dean and Cas really just wanted to be alone and it kind of worked out because Charlie's mom was waiting for them so they didn't stay very long.

"Dean" Cas says after about an hour of exploring Dean's mouth in almost every possible way, besides you know, with less clothes on.

"Yeah, what's up?" Dean says while playing with Castiel's hair which is absolutely the most adorable thing about Cas by far.

"What is this, what are we doing here, I mean, less than 7 hours ago I thought I was never going to speak to you again, yet here we are, and I mean, I love you, so much, you have no idea, I just, I need commitment, I am so scared right now, I don't even know what I am doing here but I can't be without you Dean, I just, I need you, and if, if you're not in this for the long run, then I, I need you to let me go." Cas says looking anywhere but into Dean's beautiful eyes because he knows that if he does, then he will break down and that is the last thing he needs right now.

"Cas, I never intended to hurt you, I just, I'm so bad when it comes to anything involved with my feelings because for years I kept everything on the inside and never even talked to anyone, not even Sam, but Cas. . . I have loved you since the second I laid eyes on you and I know that is so stupid and I am scared shitless right now because I swore I would never love anyone again but I can't be without you either Cas, before I met you, I felt so empty, like I was missing a piece of myself, but when I'm with you, I just, feel, whole again, I don't know, I'm not good with words, but Cas, I'm not going anywhere, because I am so afraid that if I do, I will never feel like this again." Dean says shyly and Castiel looks up at him from where he is laying on Dean with his amazingly blue eyes and Dean smiles and lays on Castiel's shoulder kissing him some more.

"So does this mean that we are, like, oh fuck it, Dean, do you want me to be your boyfriend?" Castiel says bluntly, and Dean can't help but laugh which makes Castiel blush.

"Nothing would make me happier, unless you of course, don't want me to be your boyfriend, which is completely understandable." Dean says and Castiel is reminded of just how insecure Dean is and he feels even more hatred towards John Winchester than before.

"Dean, of course I want to be your boyfriend, don't put yourself down, I wouldn't have asked you if you wanted me if I didn't want you myself, I'm going to show you how amazing you are because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me in a lifetime. You have no idea how scared I was that you were going to die or worse at the hospital Dean. My one condition is that you are going to rest for the next few days because I am not letting you go back to school like that, broken ribs and all" Cas says, looking up at Dean and rubbing his nose against his as Dean returns the eskimo kiss.

"Oh, but your ok with laying all over me which hurts but is completely worth it."

"You didn't tell me it hurt!" Cas says sitting up.

"No, just, lay on the other side, my dad was so drunk that he only punched my right side, he is right handed after all." Dean says pulling Cas back.

"Alright but you are not going to school until at least Thursday and you are sleeping at my place." Cas says with his arms folded.

"Ok, but I have one question before I take you on the best date of your entire life." Dean says confidently.

"Ask away." Cas says laughing and hugging Dean closer.

"Where did your name come from, I mean, I was just thinking about it and I was completely confused." Dean says honsetly and Cas laughs at Dean's adorableness once again making Dean blush, stupid teenage hormones.

"My family is very religious and all my siblings have angel names, including myself, so mine is the angel of thursday." Castiel says and he gets up lending his hand out to help Dean up but Dean instead pulls him back down to lay on him and kisses him once again.

"Well your parents were right because you are my angel, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and you always are looking out for me so your name fits." Dean says and they both get up and head towards the impala. Dean puts in his favorite led zeppelin tape and him and Cas rock out and he can't help but stare at Cas throughout the ride and he completely forgets the bonus tracks he put on the tape until he hears the faint beginning of "Let it Go" and he quickly changes it but Cas notices and tries to change it back but Dean won't let him.

"What was that Dean?"

"Oh, nothing." Dean says trying not to blush but failing miserably.

"Oh really, I could've sworn it was "Let it Go" Dean but you know I could be wrong. . . or not because I have listened to that song at least a million times so I have practically memorized the beginning." Castiel says, obviously shocked, but then he regrets it because he just admitted to listening to that song.

"Really." Dean says trying to meet Cas's eyes.

"Really." Cas says finally looking into Dean's eyes.

"Ok." Dean says pulling off to the side of the road which is basically a ditch because they were on a back road.

"Ok, we are in a relationship now, so I guess I'm not supposed to keep secrets because that is bad. . . and stuff, so here goes, but. . . if you tell anyone besides like Charlie because well she is Charlie so she already knows because I tell her everything, then I swear to god Cas." Dean says but Castiel interrupts him.

"Dean, of course I won't tell anyone, I love you, I wouldn't tell a soul." Cas says worriedly on purpose and Dean feels pressured now because he can't just leave Cas all adorable and protective.

"I like Disney stuff." Dean mumbles under his breath as fast as humanly possible and even though Cas figured Dean would try and pull something like that so he heard it, he decides to act like he didn't so Dean will actually admit it.

"What?" Castiel says all innocently because he knows Dean won't be able to resist it and of course he is right.

"I like Disney stuff alright, princesses, movies, soundtracks, all of it, and it's not even a like, I like literally love Disney, and know all the songs and everything, it's a guilty pleasure ok." Dean says embarrassed and blushing like crazy but Cas's face lights up and he kisses Dean and Dean is literally taken back.

"Omg Dean, you just made me love you even more, I LOVE Disney, Rapunzel is my favorite princess right now, although Anna comes at a close second. . ." Castiel says and he keeps on rambling on about everything involved with Disney until he realizes that Dean is just sitting there smiling at him with this look of pure affection and his heart instantly melts and he goes over and kisses him and they end up in the back seat of the impala making out while "I See the Light" from the Tangled soundtrack plays softly in the background.

"So who would be Flynn or Eugene, I should say, you or me?" Castiel says while they quickly break for air and dive back in.

"Angel I'm obviously Flynn because I am just too manly for the role of Rapunzel." Dean says making Cas smile even more against Dean's lips.

" Well I'm going to have to disagree with you there babe because you are just way too adorable to be Flynn, and you have those amazing green eyes that fit her description perfectly." Castiel says and Dean laughs.

"Well, I must admit, I am adorable, you've told me many times, but you are really adorable too so maybe I am just the male version of Rapunzel, you know what, that's it, we are making a movie and I am cutting Sam's hair and using it as my wig because it is definitely long enough and you are going to be my eugene." Dean says sarcastically and Castiel slaps his ass and they get back in the front seat.

"Or Sam could just be Rapunzel and you could play his voice" Cas replies as he hears the rumble of Baby's engine come back to life.

"Are you kidding, no one is getting anywhere those baby blues and perfectly soft lips but me, I will take Sam down if he tries, which I'm sure he will because you are just that hard to resist." Dean says smirking and Cas just smacks his arm and they are back on the road.

"Ew, now you have the image of your little brother kissing me in my head, it's not a pretty sight" Cas says making Dean throw his head back in laughter.

"You're the one that brought it up." Dean says in his defense and then they pull up to a secluded area and Castiel is amazed.

It is a pond area and it is so beautiful, there are trees and a meadow surrounding it and you can literally see the entire town off of this little cliff on the side where they are and Castiel loves it.

"Welcome to my secret spot." Dean says opening his arms out wide besides the bag of takeout they had picked up on the way there.

"I mean, it's not much, but this is where I go when I need to get away from everyone, I mean, the only person that knows about it is Sam, I just, I'd like to share my spot with you Cas, maybe even make it ours." Dean says nervously and Castiel literally has tears in his eyes and he runs up to Dean, careful of his right side of his body, and hugs him and kisses him and he is crying and Dean just returns the kiss kind of confused.

"Dean, this is, it's perfect, no one has ever done anything like this for me, or even cared about me enough to do this, and I know we just met a week ago and yes I know everything about you but still and high school relationships usually never last especially with seniors but Dean, I love you so much, and I am so happy that I found you and moved here." Castiel says and he was about to say something else but Dean kissed him and he could tell that Dean was crying too and it was just so perfect that not even John Winchester could have ruined it. Although Dean's eye is looking kind of a yellowish purple, but never mind that.

"Alright, let me show you around" Dean says pointing to what looks kind of like a little log cabin thing.

"This is my getaway home kind of place, it has a kitchen, 3 bedrooms,  a bathroom, and a living room." He says and Cas is in awe, it is literally like his own little house. 

"My mom, she, we camped here when we were younger, my dad never came, was always busy with work, and he had to pay the bills, she paid it off a couple of months before the fire, so this is usually where I am. We call it the bunker, it's our safe haven but I mean, there is always food, lots of Sam's rabbit food, our movie collection, we usually come here a lot when Dad is. . . bad, but Sam doesn't actually know where it is, I always keep a blindfold in the impala so if we need to leave, it's still truly my secret spot, I just, yeah." Dean says opening the cabinet to reveal a ton of junk food and a ton of ingredients and spices.

"It's beautiful Dean, I love it." Cas says and Dean smiles to himself but Cas sees the pain in Dean's eyes through the smile and he knows that Dean sees right through his as well but he doesn't want to admit it and ruin this moment they are having. Dean takes Castiel by the arm back outside to where Dean grabs a blanket and lays it down, and they sit there eating burgers from the roadhouse watching the scenery around them. Once they finish, Castiel lays on top of Dean's left side and they just lie there, kissing every once in a while and Dean for once feels something, something that he has needed for years and never even gotten close to having. . . closure. He knows Cas isn't going anywhere, and Dean, not worrying about anything, finally realizes just how exhausted he is.

"Cas, I. . ." Dean starts to say but Castiel can tell how tired Dean is and he interrupts him.

"Babe, it's fine, sleep, you need it, I've got you." Castiel says getting up and repositioning himself so that Dean's head is resting him and Cas wraps his arms around Dean almost like a blanket and Dean starts to fall asleep.

"I love you Angel." Dean says and the last thing he hears before falling into a much needed slumber is the faint response of Castiel saying "I love you too Dean."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm really sorry I haven't updated in 4 days, I have been so busy! I had my initiation for my acapella group yesterday and I haven't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep in 4 days so please bear with me here. I am sorry if this chapter sucks because I'm really not feeling anything right now, I don't know. But I hope you guys enjoyed it! Comment, subscribe, leave kudos, I really appreciate your input, thanks!


	5. Breakdown

Dean is woken up to the sweet, soft touch of Castiel's lips and he smiles as he rolls over and kisses his forehead.

"Good morning Rapunzel, or should I say good afternoon" Castiel says and Dean starts to clean up their area.

"Good afternoon to you to angel, but I have to get you back to your house before your family rips me a new one." Dean says and Castiel realizes that he is right and that he hadn't bothered to tell Gabriel that he wouldn't be home right after school like normal and he starts to panic.

"Oh my gosh, you're right, Gabriel is going to kill me, and he is going to want to meet you, oh no" Castiel says panicking but Dean goes to comfort him.

"Wait a sec, you don't happen to mean Dr. Novak in Physics, do you?" Dean says cautiously.

"Yeah, he works at the school, he got a job there, that is why we live here, why?" Castiel says confused and Dean just smacks his own forehead. 

"What, what's the problem?" Castiel asks even more worried.

"Nothing, it's just, I don't need you to introduce me, your brother is my physics teacher." Dean says awkwardly and Castiel looks at him wide eyed and realizes that yes, Dean isn't in his AP physics class, he hadn't even put two and two together, even though he should have because his brother is the only teacher that teaches regular physics, stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Oh, well, this is going to be awkward." Cas says fidgeting with his trench coat sleeves.

"Yeah, tell me about it." Dean says leading Cas back to the impala and when they finally arrive at the Novak residence, they just kind of stand there awkwardly at the door for a minute or so before deciding yes, they are going to have to go in.

When they walk in, Gabriel is grading tests and automatically assumes Castiel is alone.

"Oh hey Cassie, I'm in here, grading these stupid tests, god have I mentioned how much I hate grading, I mean, this is why I should have picked a multiple choice profession, the scan-tron machine is life, but at least this winchester kid is getting something right, he is the only one so far that has gotten. . ." Gabriel says and that is when he looks up and sees Castiel holding hands with the exact same kid he was just talking about, Dean Winchester, perhaps his best student of his class, who is blushing like crazy.

"Oh, um, Castiel, I didn't know we had a guest." Gabriel says awkwardly which doesn't exactly help the situation.

"Yeah Gabriel, this is my boyfriend, Dean Winchester, but you already know him, he is in your physics class, 3rd period, I think?" Castiel says and Dean nods confirming that Cas is right and Gabriel can tell that Dean is really nervous which also means that he cares about Castiel which make shim smile so he decides to formally introduce himself.

"Oh, well hello Dean-o, I know I'm your teacher and all but at home you can just call me Gabriel, no need to be formal here, if you hurt my little bro, I swear to god, not only will I kick your ass, but I will also make sure you fail the semester which I am guessing is not in your best interest, but from what I have seen from your work and participation, you seem like a great kid, but don't let it get to your head, I will still be watching you like a hawk." Gabriel says offering his hand out to Dean and Dean smiles and accepts it.

"I don't plan on ever hurting Cas Mr. Novak, I mean Gabriel, he is much too special for even me to take for granted, I am so lucky to have someone like him and i don;t plan on going anywhere anytime soon Sir." Dean says confidently clutching Castiel's hand tighter and Castiel can tell that Gabriel approves of Dean and he smiles to himself at that thought.

"Alright well, don't let me stop you two crazy cats from having fun, Castiel's room is upstairs" He says motioning them up the stairway and right as they are about to enter Castiel's room, he says "Oh, and I almost forgot, use protection!"

Castiel is blushing so hard when they enter his room and Gabriel is dying laughing and thinking about how Castiel is going to kick his ass for that later but it was definitely worth it in his mind.

Meanwhile Castiel and Dean enter Castiel's room and Dean is amazed by all the drawings and paintings covering his desk. Castiel seems to be even more of an artist than Dean thought he was and most of them have many different contrasts from dark to light, one specific one with Dean helping Castiel, one where Dean is holding Castiel, them both broken which Dean can only assume is from that first day they met, and many others and they are really good.

"Wow Cas, these are amazing, is that me?" Dean says pointing to almost all of the drawings.

"Yeah, most of my drawings are centered around us." Cas says nervously and he sees one that is of Dean and Castiel in the backseat of the impala and one of Cas and Dean kissing in front of the school, which Dean can only assume Castiel drew while he was asleep. 

"I love them." Dean says putting his arms around Castiel's shoulders and pulling him in for a kiss.

"Really?" Castiel says doubting himself.

"Really, I wish you would realize that you are actually the one saving me, but that doesn't mean that I don't like them." Dean says hesitantly.

"Dean, I need you to understand something, before I met you, I was. . . I was bad, I had no one besides Gabe and I had been bullied and beaten almost to death at my last school because I had made the mistake of coming out to someone who I thought i could trust, but it turns out I couldn't, and I was so suicidal and crazy and I thought I had nothing, and my dad constantly is blaming me for everything and Gabe was never around because he taught at a different school and didn't even live with us, he lived with his girlfriend, so I was constantly alone and I had no one, but you, you are like I am coming up for fresh, like I was drowning and I finally found someone that was capable of saving me, I feel like I actually have something to live for, with Gabe back, and my dad gone all the time, and you, I mean yes I still cut, but I actually want to stop, I actually feel like I can for once, and I just, god I love you, ok?" Castiel tells Dean and Dean is literally in tears as he pulls Cas into a hug and a kiss and then Cas realizes it is not out of joy.

"Dean, what is it babe, was it something I said, Dean?" Castiel says worried and regretting ever bringing Dean here.

"CAS, YOU NEED TO REALIZE SOMETHING, I WAS GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE CAS, I WAS GOING TO KILL MYSELF, STAB MYSELF IN THE STOMACH, BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE AND MY DAD HAD KICKED ME OUT AND I WAS LIVING IN THE BUNKER ALONE FOR 6 MONTHS CAS, 6 MONTHS, I HAD NO ONE, NOT EVEN SAM, MY DAD WOULDN'T LET ME SEE HIM BECAUSE HE DIDNT WANT ME TO TURN SAM INTO A FAGGOT LIKE ME! HE SWORE THAT IF I EVER SHOWED ANY SIGNS OF BEING HOMO AGAIN, I WOULD NEVER SET FOOT IN HIS HOUSE AGAIN!" Dean sobs, screaming at the top of his lungs and Castiel is just left speechless.

"I WAS DEAD CAS, I HADN'T GONE TO SCHOOL IN MONTHS, I WAS DRUNK ALMOST EVERY DAY, WASTING THE ENTIRE ALCOHOL AND FOOD STASH IN THE BUNKER AND THEN ONE DAY I WAS WALKING TO THE LIQUOR STORE AND MY DAD PULLED UP BESIDE ME AND TOLD ME THAT THE INTERVENTION TO GET ALL THE GAY OUT OF ME WAS DONE AND TO COME BACK HOME! THE ONLY REASON I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL WAS BECAUSE SAM NEEDED ME AND I NEEDED TO GO BACK TO WORK AS WELL AND BOBBY WOULDN'T LET ME UNLESS I GOT MY GRADES UP SO I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL AND THEN ON THE WAY BACK FROM WORK ONE DAY, YOUR CAT BIT ME AND I SAW YOU AND I HAD TO KNOW YOU, YOU'RE MY LIFE CAS, I DONT CARE THAT MY DAD ISN'T GOING TO LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE, IM 18, I CAN GET CUSTODY OF SAM, I HAVE THE MONEY, THE BUNKER, I DON'T NEED MY DAD CAS, all I need is you, Charlie, Sam, Ellen, and Bobby, I, I love you Cas, and I don't care what anyone thinks anymore, you are my angel, and I intend to keep you." Dean says slowly, starting to calm down. 

"I'm just, I'm just going to go." Dean says judging by the fact that Castiel is just staring at him dumbfounded, so Dean gets up and leaves and by the time Cas finally reacts and runs outside to stop Dean, he sees the impala go down the street and then it's gone and Castiel just sinks to his knees in defeat, Dean is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I promise I'll fix it, I just, this is how I felt Dean would react to the realization that his dad isn't going to let him back ever. Don't worry, it will get better, bad things come in threes, and it can't get better if it wasn't bad in the first place but trust me, things will start to look up soon, or maybe not, just eventually, sorry. Comment, bookmark, do whatever, thanks for reading. Oh and the reason today was not my devoted fanfic day is because I had a dentist appointment I didn't know about and I went over a friend's house for dinner, sorry, maybe tomorrow? Who knows? Oh and I found all this amazing fan art that works perfectly with what I pictured Castiel drew so here are all the links, sorry there are so many of them, although some of them are from the same websiteish, whatever.
> 
> lets-talk-about.blog.cz/1505/potm-june-votting (It's #2 btw.)
> 
> www.pinterest.com/pin/458733912017709028/
> 
> dver.deviantart.com/art/The-wingless-angel-382386887
> 
> dver.deviantart.com/art/Dean-and-Cas-355051896
> 
> dver.deviantart.com/art/Destiel-8x23-375083113
> 
> rebloggy.com/psot/destiel-supernatural-fanart-destiel-fanart/45651855885
> 
> zafona.deviantart.com/art/Spin-the-Bottle-Kiss-515205891
> 
> www.fanpop.com/clubs/love-angels/images/images/28537375/title/supernatural-angels-gabriel-fanart
> 
> www.deviantart.com/morelikethis/27604804
> 
> Also if any of these don't work, comment below, and I will try to fix it.


	6. "I've always been in love with you, I guess you've always known it's true. . ."

Castiel sat there on the curb next to his house for about 15 minutes silently crying because at that point he didn't even know what to do. Dean opened up to him, let his guard down, completely heartbroken, and Castiel hadn't even reacted, and now Dean is gone, and Castiel doesn't even know how to get him back. So he just sits there until Gabriel suspects that something is wrong because Castiel hasn't returned and they hadn't said they were leaving so he goes outside to see his brother practically shaking and he is completely overwhelmed with anger and shattered at the same as he goes over to comfort his little brother. When he slowly places his hand on Castiel's shoulder and Castiel immediately embraces it, sobbing his heart out as Gabriel pulls him as Castiel continues sobbing, soaking Gabriel's shirt.

"I'm gonna kill him." Gabriel says rubbing Castiel's back but Cas just starts sobbing even more.

"No Gabe, this is me, I'm so stupid Gabe. . ." Cas says, Gabriel barely being able to understand him through the crying.

"Dean, he, he opened up to me, finally let his walls and guard come down and told me everything, I mean, he practically broke down, accepting that I could help him and loved him and I just didn't even respond, I didn't know how, I just, panicked, and I ended up just staring at him like he was some freak or something and you should have seen the look on his face, he just, he looked at me like I had just destroyed his entire world Gabriel, I, I broke him, and now he's gone." Castiel says while Gabriel slowly helps him inside.

"Castiel you made a mistake, you just need to find him and show him how much you love him and accept him, I mean you do love him right?" Gabriel says and Castiel responds with an immediate head nod.

"Ok then you are going to fix this, but it is late and you need sleep and I am sure that Dean needs some space right now." Gabriel replies and Castiel just nods and passes out the second his head hits the pillow, after the wave of exhaustion hits him.

___________________________________________________

 

Dean drives off not even aware of exactly where he is going, barely being able to see because of the tears in his eyes, blurring his vision. He can't believe he was so stupid to actually think that an amazing person like Castiel would actually love and accept him for what he is, a freak, and Castiel was right to look at him like that. Dean was going to go to the bunker but Cas could go there to tell him what he really thinks about him because Dean took him there and he just can't take Castiel's blue eyes right now and he now has nowhere to go, Bobby doesn't know he is bisexual and Ellen would want to know what was wrong with him and he just can't do that to her, so he dialed his best friend because he needed her, pathetic as it is.

"Sup Winchester, you better have a good reason to be interrupting the queen of moondoor." Charlie says and just the sound of her voice makes him crumble and he can't take it anymore and Dean just pulls over on the side of the road and starts sobbing.

"Dean, oh my gosh, I was just kidding, I love you, you know that, Dean, honey what's wrong?" Charlie says worriedly.

"Charlie, it's Cas, I told him everything, opened up, which you know I haven't done in years, showed him my bunker, which you don't even know about, and he just. . . I. . ." Dean says and he can't even continue, he is crying so much.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm a burden, I just" Dean starts but Charlie interrupts him.

"Dean, oh my God, I love you so much, you're like a brother to me, you're not a burden, if anything I am, Dean, and you probably don't have anywhere to go because your dad saw you kissing Cas, Dean dear, I need you to turn the GPS on your phone on so I can come get you, Jo is here with me and we are coming to get you dear, just hold out until we get there, Dean, we love you and just please do this for me." Charlie says and Dean can hear Jo grab her keys and Dean is too broken to fight her so he turns it on.

"Ok honey, we should be there in 20 minutes, Dean, talk to me, I need you to talk to me Dean" Charlie says, she knows how suicidal Dean is and she knows he always has a knife on him.

"Dean, listen to me, I love you, Jo loves you, Sam loves you, Bobby loves you, Ellen loves you, listen to me Dean, you are loved, you are worth so much more than you think, we need you, Sam needs you looking out for him, he would be nowhere without you, Ben, Lisa's little brother, he adores you, sees you as his own big brother, Dean don't you dare give up, you have so many people that care about you, I need you to know that, Dean please, we are almost there, I need you, Dean please" Charlie sobs, her voice cracking.

"I've let you down Charlie, I let Cas down, I let Sammy down, I'm not worth anything, I'm just a faggot who deserves to die." Dean says, staring at the knife in his hand.

"No Dean, no, Dean please, Dean you haven't let me down, Dean!" Charlie says and she hears a crashing noise on the phone and the GPS shows that the car moved, Dean barely sees a flash of headlights before he stabs himself in the stomach right as all the cuts on his arms and the impact on his head make him lose too much blood and he loses consciousness.

Jo slams on the brakes and Charlie runs out to the front door of the Kampala and falls to her knees sobbing.

"JO CALL 911, HE'S,OH MY GOD JO, I CAN'T FIND A PULSE, WAIT NO, HE'S BARELY BREATHING JO, GO!" Charlie screams and the next thing she knows the emts are holding her and Jo back as they pull Dean into the hospital as fast as possible and into emergency surgery.

Jo calls her mom and Bobby and Charlie calls Sam to let him know that Bobby is picking him up and before they know it, the waiting room is just a huge huddle of people sobbing until the doctor comes in with the news.

Castiel is woken up to the sound of his phone ringing at 4 am and it's from Charlie so he figures it must be important.

"Hello?"

"Castiel, it's me Charlie, Dean, he, he drove into a tree and he, he's. . . He's in a coma and he might not wake up."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I wasn't planning this, I just, it just happened, I'm so sorry. I will fix it, I promise, I just, Dean is so lost, I just. Please don't hate me, comment your opinions, anger, frustration, sadness. I will fix it in the morning. Good night all.


	7. "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am so sorry it took so long to update, my labtop broke and I have been so busy preparing for my college classes and phone won't let me update, I am so sorry. I don't have much time to explain because I have to go but I will update again tonight and explain more. Love you all!!!

Castiel sat there in complete silence as Charlie proceeded to try and get Castiel to acknowledge his presence but he was completely overwhelmed with a wave of anger, guilt, sadness, and pain and he didn't even know how to react. Meanwhile Charlie was practically screaming his name through the phone which is why a sleep deprived Gabriel entered Castiel's room in nothing but his lollipop boxer shorts to find his brother zoning out and silently crying.

________________________________________________________

" _Castiel baby, look how big you've grown!" Castiel's mother said as her youngest son skipped down the road in his oversized trench coat._

_"I know Mommy, my teacher told me that I'm going to be the biggest second grader next year." Castiel said looking up at his mom, his big blue eyes filled with complete and utter love and adoration for the person standing in front of him._

_"You will also be the most loved out of all of them." She said kneeling down to his height and kissing the top of his head. " My little angel. . . don't ever change."_

_Castiel smiled and gave her a big hug and kept walking down the street, his mom struggling to catch up with the energetic 7 year old. Castiel kicked the pebbles next to the road as he walked until he found one in the shape of a heart._

_"Mommy mommy, look what I found!" He screamed as he ran up to her and showed her._

_"I want you to have it Mommy, it's how much I love you, I love you more than the moon loves the stars." He said as he hugged her and kept walking along._

_He stopped to wait for his mom to catch up as he saw a little frog hop out of the woods and he watched it, hopping along without a care in the world. He barely noticed the headlights coming towards him until they were blinding him and his mom swooped him in her arms and threw him and then all of a sudden everything went black._

__________________________________________________________

"Cas" Gabriel says finally bringing Castiel back to reality but Castiel doesn't even acknowledge Gabriel's existence as he

 Dean was in a coma because of him. He silently grabbed some clothes and went into the bathroom to "change". He felt a sudden release as the blade cut into his arms but not enough as Gabriel was pounding on the door for him to hurry up so they could get to the hospital.

The car ride to the hospital was spent in complete silence, Castiel silently crying and looking out the window at the world around him, the world that seemed so empty without Dean Winchester. 

_Dear Mom,_

_Dean, he, he's gone. It's all my fault mom, he loved me and I just, I left him there out in the dark. He doesn't deserve anyone like me, no one does, Gabriel deserves a better brother, you deserved a better son. Without me, you'd still be alive Mom, I just, I can't do this anymore. I, I need to, Mom, I don't even know what to do or how to feel. I should've died, not you, not Dean, maybe other people's lives would have been spared as well. If he dies, then so do I Mom, Dad will finally get his wish._

_Sincerely,_

_Your walking death sentence of a son_

"Cassie, come on, we are here" Gabriel says slightly shaking Castiel's arm to break him out the trance he was in as he stared out the window. When Castiel realizes they were at the hospital, he runs to the front desk leaving Gabriel trailing behind. The nurse tells him Dean's room number and he runs up the the stairs two feet at a time until he reaches the floor and doesn't stop running until he sees Ellen and Bobby and Sam in a huddle sobbing, that's when he stops. Charlie notices his presence and runs towards him pulling him into a hug that he immediately accepted. 

"Castiel James Novak, don't you dare blame yourself for this, Dean was lost, it would've happened no matter what, you were just delaying the inevitable, Dean, he. . . he was just too far gone Cassie, he loved you so much. . . but sometimes not even love is enough, he was so blinded, not even you could have stopped this, look at me, this is not your fault." Charlie said, tears in her eyes as she pulled Castiel's head up so he was looking straight into her eyes. He simply nods and then the doctor comes out of the room and all of a sudden it was so silent that you could hear a pen drop.

"He's stable enough for visitors, you may see him now." The doctor says and everyone shoves their way through the door and as soon as Castiel sees Dean, he immediately falls to his knees. Dean has a ventilator down his throat so that he can breathe and his entire face is covered in bandages, his eyes bloody and bruised. His head is covered in bandages as well because of the head trauma and his stomach has bandages from the stab wound. His right leg and left arm are being held in casts and his leg is also elevated so Castiel can only assume that they are broken.

"I don't know how else to say this so I'm going to be very blunt here. He is very lucky. He missed his artery in his stomach when he stabbed it, his head trauma wasn't as severe as we thought, and he has mild to moderate brain damage to where he might forget up to about 6 months of his life but that is very rare so I doubt he will forget too much, it just might be a little fuzzy. His face suffered a lot of damage so the plastic sergeant will be meeting with you tommorow to discuss his options. However, we had to put him into a medically induced coma when he first arrived due to the fact that he was having trouble breathing and went into cardiac arrest multiple times but he is stable for now. But he has since not shown any signs of waking up but that does not mean he won't wake up, his chance of waking up is about 60 to 68% depending on the patient which are very normal odds for a patient like himself but we will be watching him very closely and if he does wake up he will be put on suicide watch and sent to our psychiatric ward due to his suicide attempt and severe case of depression where he will be visited by many therapists and doctors to review his mental status and they will ultimately decide how long his stay is with us at that point. I know this must be hard for you all and you have my sincerest apologies. My name is Dr. Rufus Turner if you have any further questions,  and feel free to page me." Dr. Turner says walking towards the door as Ellen and Bobby shake his hand and thank him for all of his help. 

Castiel just watches the others as they go up to Dean and hug him and hold his hand. He just stares expressionless at dean until he feels someone pull him to his feet and out of the room to which he can only assume is Charlie. 

"Castiel, look at me, that boy in there loves you with all his heart, and he is the most stubborn person I know, he is not going to give up any time soon, and neither should you, I know you cut, I saw your arms when you hugged me because your sleeves went up. Castiel, we love you, Dean, Gabriel, and I, your mother did too, but if you care about that boy in there, you have to be strong, for him if not yourself, we love you, and that's all that matters alright?" Charlie says and Castiel realizes she is right, when Dean wakes up, he will need a strong, stable person to help him through this. So Castiel nods, hugs her, and goes into Dean's room, hugs him and kisses the top of his head.

"I'm not giving up on you baby."

 

 


	8. Some sort of Miracle

As the days shortened and the temperatures started to drop, Castiel stayed by Dean's side, bringing his homework and books to the hospital. No matter what, nothing would keep him from seeing Dean, although as much as he didn't want to admit it, he was starting to lose hope. Ever since Charlie had seen the cuts on his arms, he had a new sense of meaning in his life. He had to get better, Dean deserved it, Dean needed it, he couldn't wake up to a broken, fragile person with no one to help him. Dean needed a stable person to help him get back on his feet. So Castiel stopped cutting and grew some self confidence, if Dean loved him, according to his journal anyways, then what else did Castiel need? Nothing. But even that hope couldn't stop the achy feeling Castiel felt as the number of days Dean was in a coma grew and grew until it was Christmas Eve and Dean had been in the hospital for 3 months and still showed no signs if waking up. Castiel tells Sam to go to Jess's house for Christmas Eve because he knows that Sam wants to go but he cares about Dean and he doesn't want him to be alone but once Sam knows Cas will stay, he kisses the top of Dean's head and heads out, tears in his eyes.

Castiel had made a friend out of the nurse that was assigned to Dean and she let Cas stay past visiting hours all the time and the couch in Dean's room had become his bed. As it got later and later, Castiel decides to read Dean Twas the night before Christmas because his mom used to read it to him as a child. He grabs Dean's hand, and starts to read and finishes right as the clock strikes midnight.

"Merry Christmas Dean" Castiel says, tears streaming down his face as he says a silent prayer that Dean will wake up soon.

He goes over to Dean in the bed and cuddles up to him, soaking the hospital gown with tears. His face has recovered and is somewhat back to normal and Cas can finally see his beautiful green eyes, bruised but nonetheless. His right leg and left arm are out of the casts and the ventilator has been gone for a while due to Dean being able to breathe on his own again.

"Merry Christmas Dean" Castiel says as he kisses the top of Dean's now bandage free head for the first time since Dean was put in the hospital in the first place. He pulls away and lays back down onto Dean's side until he swears that he feels someone grabbing his hand but he just pushes it out of his mind until the grip hardens so Castiel sits up to perhaps the best sight he has seen in a while. Castiel presses the code blue button and not even 30 seconds later the nurse comes running through the door with electric shock panels.

"What, what is it?" She asks in complete and utter panic but Castiel just smiles, tears blurring his vision but the kind of tears that you love and cherish.

"Dean's holding my hand."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, amazing stuff huh, yeah yeah I know, I was planning on Dean not remembering Cas for a little bit once he wakes up but I am not that heartless although that all depends on the day so you never know but yes I am a horrible person for not updating for like a month but my laptop broke because the wire shorted and then I had to deal with all this bullshit with my fall registration for my college classes and I was working with my acapella group, I have just been crazy busy but I finally got a new one and the first thing I did was update for you people so you should feel loved and special. But anyways that was a run on sentence but I am done caring so comment, subscribe (yes you can subscribe), bookmark, leave kudos, whatever, all is appreciated except hate mail, so I guess positive feedback and constructive criticism, thanks, good bye my lovelies and harry potter is amazing and lord of the rings and star trek and yes I am basically brown haired Charlie without the hacking skills, there is just too little time in the day, have a great or as Charlie would say, peace out bitches!!!


	9. Note

I'm sorry guys, there isn't going to be a chapter today because to be honest, I'm not even a good enough writer to even be on here. I screw up everything I touch and now all of my friends are gone and I just, I can't do this right now. I'm sorry, I know I let you down so I understand if you want to give up on this story, I don't blame you.


	10. "I'm not a fag"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your support through all of my ups and downs this past week or so. I love you guys so much and I really appreciate every single comment that was made. It warmed my heart and lifted me up and helped me through everything, you all are my life. I don't really know how I feel about this chapter but it was much needed and please comment what you thought below, I will change it if need be. I will probably update again within the hour.

It had been 6 days since Dean grabbed Castiel's hand and Dean had been showing signs of regaining consciousness little by little every single day. Dr. Turner had been monitoring Dean's progress regularly and his vitals were definitely up. His face wasn't bruised anymore and his arm and leg had healed as well. He had also gained a lot of color and now looked a lot like the Dean Castiel used to know yet Castiel felt like he barely knew Dean at all. Yes, he knew Dean's background or did he really? Castiel had seen first hand what John did to Dean but he was drunk then. He wasn't always drunk, was he? And its been 3 months and he hasn't stopped by once to even check on Dean, he probably doesn't even remember, Castiel plans to change that. As he arrives at the Winchester household, he immediately smells the pungent odor of alcohol and it's overwhelming. Castiel is so furious that he can't even help himself from barging through the door which is exactly when he hears the screaming.

"Get the fuck up Sam" John slurs angrily stumbling towards Sam.

"I just want you to see Dean dad, he's finally getting better and..." Sam starts but is immediately interrupted by a whisky bottle thrown at his face. He ducks, barely dodging it but the sound of the glass hitting the wall makes him flinch.

"I told you I wanted nothing to do with that cock-sucking faggot. He's a coward and no son of mine." John says taking a swig of the whiskey bottle he had in his other hand.

"I don't care about him anymore, if he dies. . . Then I'll have one less mouth to feed" John says after chugging the rest of the bottle but is interrupted by Castiel shoving him into the wall.

"Sam, grab your things, we're leaving" Castiel says as he holds John up against the wall giving John no way out.

"Castiel, don't" Sam starts to say, tears in his eyes, but Castiel cuts him off.

"Now!" Castiel says but it sounds more like a growl and Sam quickly heads to his room, avoiding the glass.

"Grab some of Dean's stuff as well, we'll come back for the rest in a couple of days" Castiel says grabbing John's hand and twisting it until he lets go of the whiskey bottle.

Castiel looks the man straight in the eyes and says "You don't deserve him, or Sam, you're a pathetic waste of space and you deserve to rot in your own filth. It's not Dean's fault for the fire, it was an accident, and if you can't see that then that's your own damn fault, not his, you're blind, Dean is anything but a coward, if you want to find one, just take a look in the mirror. You will stay away from them, Dean may not have the courage to call social services but I do, one word to them and you will be rotting in a cell where you truly belong with a completely wasted liver." Castiel says and John just looks at him with his pupils dilated and he actually licks his lips which is when Castiel feels the bulge riding up against his thigh.

"And the fact that you have to pick on your son for his sexuality because you can't even accept your own is sickening, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone of the same sex, I of all people would know considering Dean is the best thing to have ever happened to me and not even you could ruin that, I won't let you" Castiel says letting go of John to where he falls to the floor.

Sam is already out the door waiting for Castiel in the taxi that Castiel paid extra to wait for him to return. Castiel goes into Dean's room and grabs as much as he can while avoiding the glass and he is almost at the front door when John speaks again.

"I'm not a fag." He says barely even loud enough to be heard.

"I know, and neither am I, I'm pretty sure I would know a pile of sticks when I see one" Castiel responds and with that he walks out the door.


	11. The Best Part of Waking Up in the Morning. . . or Evening, who the hell knows?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for all the positive feedback from last chapter. I really appreciate it and as a writer, it really motivates me to know that you all are enjoying it so thanks a lot. This chapter is my favorite in a while, it's kind of short but the next one is going to be really long so I'll make up for it, I promise. Although 1,139 words isn't all that short. Just never mind, here's the chapter, a little early too, so Merry Christmas, or Happy New Year I should say.

The car drive to Castiel's house is spent in silence and Castiel doesn't want to push Sam considering what he has just been through so Castiel gives him some space. But about halfway there something in Sam just breaks and he looks at Castiel with his big brown saddened eyes and just crashes, he has been strong for so long and he just can't take it anymore. Castiel immediately unbuckles his seatbelt and pulls Sam into him and Sam lays there sobbing into Castiel's lap while Castiel holds him and comforts him, slowly stroking his golden brown hair.  
  
"I miss Dean Castiel, I can't take it anymore. . . And my dad. . . I just, I don't want to do it anymore" Sam says leaning into Castiel's stomach and holding on for dear life.  
  
"I know Sam, I know, you're not alone, you're like a brother to me and I will always be here ok? I know you've been through a lot, I understand, but everything's gonna be ok, Dean should be awake within a few days according to the doctor and you don't have to worry about your dad anymore ok?" Castiel says softly.  
  
"Ok...." Sam says and they arrive at Castiel's house which is really Gabriel's. They get out and Gabriel isn't home, he is out grocery shopping. They bring all of Dean and Sam's stuff into the spare bedrooms, both on either side of Castiel's room. Once they finish, they both awkwardly sit on the couch for about a minute before Castiel speaks.  
  
"Umm. . . Once Dean gets better, we'll move into the bunker, myself included but for now considering Dean's condition, I figured this was the best place right now." Castiel says, awkwardly scratching his head.

"There are some movies over there in the cabinet, the last drawer on the right. . . If you want to pick one out that we can watch." Castiel says blushing the whole time and internally cursing his social awkwardness. But Sam gives him a soft smile and goes over and looks at the movies for a minute or so before returning to Castiel with Star Wars IV: A New Hope, just like his brother, Castiel thinks but the pain is a little bit too much to handle so he brushes it off and goes and puts the movie in. Sam keeps eyeing Castiel as if he wants to lay on him almost as if he needs a replacement for Dean at the moment and Castiel can't help but pull Sam down into his lap, putting a pillow down for Sam to lay on. He slowly strokes Sam's hair and it isn't long before he hears Sam's breathing even out and faint snoring sounds so Castiel slowly moves, successfully not waking Sam up or so he thinks until Sam pulls Castiel into a hug, surprising him but Castiel returns the hug.

  
"Cas. . . I, I love you" Sam says looking up at Castiel with his big brown saddened eyes and Castiel's heart instantly melts.   
  
"I love you too Sam, you'll always be my brother, what is that saying of Dean's. . . Oh yeah, family don't end in blood" Castiel says hugging Sam tighter and getting up to get Sam a blanket. Sam is slowly drifting off by the time Castiel comes back with the blanket and he can tell that Sam is trying to argue that he doesn't need the sleep, but the only words that are coming out of his mouth are muffled sounds so Castiel's puts the blanket over Sam and Sam is out for the count. He leaves a note saying that he is going to see Dean on his forehead just in case Sam wakes up but it's about 9 o'clock so Castiel highly doubts that Sam will be up anytime soon, even if it is New Year's Eve. It's not too far of a walk to the hospital and Gabriel isn't home yet, he is probably at Kali's, and Castiel wants to save the rest of his cab money until his next pay day so he grabs his trench coat, puts on his gloves and a beanie and walks to the hospital. Once he arrives on the third floor, Amelia, Dean's scrub nurse lets him by, Amelia has always been very comforting to Castiel, it's like she can see exactly when he needs a friend and tries her best to be there which Castiel truly appreciates.  
  
"Hi Castiel, Dean's vitals are through the roof and Dr. Turner told me to tell you he should wake up sometime in the next thirty-six hours or so. . ." Amelia starts but Castiel interrupts her with a hug which she immediately embraces. 

"Thank you. . . for everything" Castiel says and she simply smiles at him and walks him to Dean's room. But is soon interrupted by the code blue alarm going off a couple doors down. She puts her hand on Castiel's shoulder and runs off in the other direction, but not before screaming "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve is on Channel 3 if you wanna watch it." which gets a good laugh out of Castiel. He turns it on because he is pretty sure that it's something Dean would enjoy as well as getting drunk but that's obviously out of the question so he curls up to Dean and watches the show, and he will forever deny the fact that he may have danced to some of it and lip synced a little but to Dean, not that he could see it but. . . you know, it's the thought that counts right? Before he knows it the countdown before the ball drops starts and Castiel finds himself saying a silent prayer that Dean will wake up soon. He takes Dean's hand and cuddles up to him at the 5 second marker and when the ball drops, he puts his hand on Dean's face.

"Happy New Year Dean" Castiel says and kisses Dean, a silent tear rushing down his face, Castiel starts to pull away but is interrupted by the sudden brush of Dean's lips against his and opens his eyes to the beautiful green color of the deciduous forests coming alive before him and Castiel just pulls him closer and kisses him deeper, tears of joy streaming down his face as Dean does the same pulling Cas closer, his hands tracing ever single inch of his body, almost as if he is trying to make sure that Castiel is real, and isn't just part of his dream and when he realizes that it is truly Cas, he sits up, pulling Castiel into his lap to where he is straddling Dean, pulls away so that Castiel can breathe and says.

"Has anyone told you how great of a kisser you are? Because I'll be damned if that was not the hottest thing I've ever been woken up to in the morning. . . or Evening, I give up, who the hell knows?."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, Dean's back, as cliche as ever, but of course he'd be like that, he's Dean. But anyways, comment, subsribe, leave kudos, or whatever. But if you are interested, I'm thinking about starting a new fanfiction as well with either a trans Castiel or a gender fluid Dean/Cas, I don't know which one out of the both of them I would choose to be gender fluid yet. But my inspiration for that is actually the fact that I am gender fluid myself, so I feel as though I could write the story well, I'm also bisexual as well. Although, in those Cas would most likely be born a girl and trans as a boy or a gender fluid girl who mostly dresses as a boy with binding yet sometimes dresses as her biological gender. Alright, that's all lovelies, if you have a problem with my sexual orientation or gender designation, you can go fuck yourself with a cactus, although I highly doubt anyone has a problem considering Destiel is a gay ship so we are all welcoming people who embrace gayness. But I'd love feedback on your thoughts on this chapter and on my idea for the new fanfiction. Oh and if your interested in talking about life or collaborating on something maybe because most of you are pretty fucking awesome people, just comment below about it and I'll give you my contact info. . . maybe, or you know if you just want explanation for the "your face is a sapling" thing way back in like chapter 3 I think, or 4, I don't know, it was like. . . I have no idea how long ago but there is this whole story behind it and you know, I'm rambling. Ok, bye. . . for real this time ;)


	12. I'm fricken fantastic!!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Song(s): Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol, Long Way Down- One Direction, Hey Jude- Joe Anderson which is finally on spotify by the way so yay, A Single Man Tear- Alyssa Lynch, Katie Sarife, Christopher Lennertz, Cameron Stone which is also on spotify if you didnt know already but at the NOW in the story you have to listen to iridescent- Linkin Park because it just, it sums it up the end of this chapter perfectly.

"DEAN!!!" Dean is woken by the sound of a scream inside his head to find himself sweaty and cold, Castiel sleeping in the chair beside him as usual. A nurse comes in due to the sudden spike in his blood pressure but it is going back down and he is good at faking being ok, it is practically his best quality, at least he thinks so.

But the truth is that Dean isn't alright, he has no one, he is having nightmares again of Mary, bloody and on fire up on that wall and then that's when John comes in slurring and beating him to a pulp until he wakes with a jolt and is covered in sweat and feels like complete shit. He feels trapped inside his own body, like there's no possibility of ever being happy because he's just a fuck up anyways and everything and everyone he gets close to gets burned in the end, like his whole entire existence is a flame, hot and dangerous, that grasps onto all the oxygen in the air and sucks it in, suffocating everyone around him. Dean knows that Castiel loves him but he just can't weigh Castiel down anymore so he has to end it, Castiel needs better, deserves better, and the truth is that Castiel probably is only here because he feels obligated after his ex boyfriend just had a suicide attempt, wait, when did he see him as his boyfriend. It doesn't matter, god, just, his head is pounding, the world is spinning, and that's when the world turns to black again.

He's woken up by someone flashing perhaps one of the brightest flashlights he has ever seen directly into his eyes which really puts him in a great fucking mood because not only is he fucking waken up by a bright light but also by a fucking shrink, asking him all kinds of questions about how he is doing and what he is feeling right at this moment and how his mental status is at this point, not even mentioning that it's like. . . whatever time in the morning, so he puts on the fakest smile he can and in the most sarcastic tone possible, he says "Well sweetheart, lets see, I have about 5 different tubes going in and out of my body, my head hurts like a bitch, I can barely even fucking get out of bed to go to the bathroom, you woke me up by flashing a bright light directly in my eyes, and then proceeded to ask me 50 questions about my mental status at 5:30 in the morning so I'm fricken fantastic." The doctor and psychiatrist look at him with this dumbfounded look and after about 30 seconds of Dean glaring at them, the psychiatrist whispers something inaudible into the doctor's ear and they both smile and look back at Dean. "Ok, we'll be back in a few hours to monitor your progress" She says, her smile shooting shards of glass into Dean's heart and as they walk away, Dean turns over, giving the rest of the world the cold shoulder. There was no way that he was opening up to this random stranger, she can't help him, no one can, he just has to deal with this shit himself, it's his burden to bear and no one else's, but right as he prepares to break down, he feels Cas's warm hand on his shoulder and he leans into the touch, Castiel laying beside him rubbing soothing circles on his back and whispering sweet nothings into his ear and as much as Dean tries, he can't fight back the silent tears rushing down his face and when Castiel sees them,he just pulls Dean closer and starts to sing.

_Hey Jude_

_Don't make it bad_

_Take a sad song and make it better_

_Remember to let her into your heart_

_Then you can start to make it better_

 

_Hey Jude_

_Don't be afraid_

_You were made to go out and get her_

_The minute, you let her under your skin_

_Then you begin, to make it better_

 

_And any time you feel the pain_

_Hey Jude, refrain_

_Don't carry the world up on your shoulders_

_And well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool_

_By making his world a little colder_

_Na na na na na na na na na. . ._

 

Castiel sings as Dean slowly starts to let go of it all, all the hatred, anger, fear and sadness, all comes out in wretched sobs that fill the room with heartbreak leaving Castiel crying by the end and when the song is over and done with, as Dean finally calms down and his exhaustion hits him, Castiel says

"Dean look at me, you. . . mean the world to me, I know how hard it is, but, but you have to let go of everything that happened, for me, for Sam, for your own good. I love you, everyone loves you, John is gone, your mom is watching over you in heaven, you don't have to be scared or hurt anymore, Gabriel and I moved you and Sam into our house and I even moved Stuart's castle to the my room so that you didn't have to deal with your allergies, just Dean, I know it's a lot to ask. . .but please don't give up, I need you, Sam needs you, we all need you, I just, I need you to fight" Cas says desperately and Dean looks at him and says quite honestly "I don't know if I can." and passes out.

Castiel grabs his bag and walks out after this because he just can't stand this hospital anymore. He walks right past, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Charlie, not even sparing them a separate glance and then halfway down the hall, he starts running, running through the wretched white halls as they start caving in on him and he feels himself start to suffocate and run out of breath as he gasps for air and when he finally pushes open the heavy black doors, the light is overwhelming and he just falls to his knees and starts sobbing uncontrollably until Gabriel comes and picks him up and carries him to the car where he almost immediately falls asleep. 

When Castiel awakes in his own bed of course, it's to Sam, hovering over him with the best puppy dog eyes he has ever seen. Castiel is starting to give up on Dean ever being ok and the idea of Sam without Dean just. . . but then Sam interrupts him and says "How's Dean?" and that's when Castiel really wakes up. He fully realizes what Dean needs and what it is is standing directly in front of him and he pulls Sam into a bear hug and swings him around just with that realization confusing the hell out of Sam.

Because Dean needs Sam, no matter how much Dean loves Castiel, he will always love Sam more. . . because Sam is everything to Dean, he is the air he breathes, the glue that holds all of Dean's broken pieces together as Dean does for Sam. Sam is like coming up for air to Dean, Sam is Sean's mission, Dean's goal, and Dean is Sam's knight in shining armor, he idolizes him to the fullest extent, their family which means everything to the both of them, Sam is Dean's bitch and Dean is Sam's jerk and incidentally Castiel has been keeping the one thing that the both of them needed most away, each other. Sam once again breaks Castiel's train of thought.

"What the hell was that?" Sam says with the most dumbfounded look Castiel has ever seen and he just laughs and puts his hand on Sam's shoulder.

"We're going to see Dean."

NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Dean awakens on his own and has a coughing fit to which he ends up coughing up a little bit of blood from his broken rib, he then looks to see if Castiel is in the chair beside him and then he sees him.

Standing in the doorway is Sammy, tears in his eyes, the light from the outside creating sort of a halo around the outline of his body. Dean immediately gets up and pulls out the iv, and all the other tubes and he doesn't even care about the pain as he gets up just in time to meet Sam as he runs into his arms, Dean pulling him into his embrace, the tears of happiness and longing completely ignored as Dean just sits there stroking Sam's hair as Sam sobs into his shoulder and Dean silently crys on the other side, staring into Castiel's happy eyes in the doorway as they share a look of understanding that this is exactly what Dean needed and then Dean pulls Sam closer and then Dean looks Sam in the eyes, them both chuckling quietly, as Dean wipes his and Sam's tears away. 

"Hey there Sam" Dean says but Sam just pulls him into his arms overtaking Dean with his strength.

"Don't you ever do anything like this again, you hear me, you, I need you Dean, I love you, you're my big brother, I can't, I can't lose you, I was so scared that. . ."

"I know Sam, I know, but none of that matters now because you see. . . " Dean says showing Sam his ribs and leg. "I'm fine, my leg's fine, everything, it's, it's just all going to be ok, Cas was right, I love you, you're my little brother, I could never leave you on your own, you're too much of a girl for that Samantha" Dean says jokingly and he ruffles Sam's hair to which Sam gives him the ultimate bitch face that gets both of them laughing again as they hug once again and everyone- Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Charlie, Cas,and Gabriel all gather around them on the floor and pull them into one big huge happy hug.

"This is what family looks like." Sam says and they all nod in agreement and then Dean feels a hand on his ass and he turns around to Gabe wiggling his eyebrows at him with a kissy face and Dean just hits him and kisses Cas to which Gabe crosses his arms and pouts and they all laugh.

"I love you Cas"

"I love you too."

"AWWWWWWWW"

"Oh Shut up all of ya. . . and I guess I love the rest of you as well" Dean says and they all awww once again.

"Alright, can we end this chick flick moment please."

"SHUT UP DEAN"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, writer's block and self loathing and all. But I have finally found the right friends and that's all that matters to me right now. I, like Dean, am starting a new and putting the past behind me because I can't control what happened to me then or even what is happening right now but I can control how I react and move forward and do I really think I'm worth it 100%, no, not at all really. But there comes a point when you just have to tell yourself that you are worth it and push forward and keep pushing, no matter the cost because if you don't then you can never truly be happy because everyone deserves to live and enjoy life, it's the reason you were born and I'll be damned if I let myself get in the way of it and it's about time that the Dean in this fan fiction realizes it too. Always looking forward to feedback as usual, it's much appreciated :) SO COMMMMMMEEEEEENNNNNNNTTTTTTT. . . . . . . . . please


	13. The Road to Recovery sounds much easier than it actually is

Dean wakes up in his own bed for the first time in what seems like forever and he just breathes it all in, his hot boyfriend adorably cuddling his side in his sleep with his crazy bed head and his amazing supportive little brother soundly sleeping down the hall. There's no screaming, no fear of what is to come today, just the warm feeling of the sunshine shining through the curtains, and the cloud nine feeling Dean always gets when he is with Cas. So when the alarm clock wakes him out of his little daze by filling his eardrums with annoying buzzing sounds, not even that can ruin his good mood, he simply reaches over and turns it off and lays back to watch the adorable movie play out that is Cas waking up. He slowly lifts his head and then stretches a bit, his hair in complete and utter disarray, he then fully opens his eyes to Dean smiling down at him and he smiles back it him and climbs up to Dean and kisses him, soft and gentle but loving all the same. He then decides to improve Dean's mood even more as he pulls up Dean's shirt and starts to trail kisses down Dean's torso, focusing on the way that Dean's breath hitches each and every time.

"Cas" Dean starts to say but Castiel quickly shushes him as he pulls down the waistband of Dean's boxers to reveal Dean's half hard morning wood which doesn't surprise him at all. Dean lets out a low groan and Castiel starts to tease him slowly kissing just about every place except for his cock.

"Sam" Dean says already panting, his voice going in and out showing exactly how wrecked he already is just from Cas's simple touches. Castiel then goes back up, aligning his pelvis with Dean's and grinds down, eliciting a moan out of both of them.

"Cas. . . I" Dean starts but is interrupted by Cas throwing a blanket over the both of them as Sam barges into the room, a book in hand.

"You know you guys aren't the only people who need to use the shower, did you know that the average household shower has 17.6 gallons of water with a rate of 2.8 gallons per minute meaning that each of us has approximately 5 minutes and 40 seconds to shower which means that you guys should hurry the hell up and get in the shower before I just use it all and you complain the whole way to school." Sam says all the while looking at his book leaving Dean and Castiel completely silent as Sam finally looks up and realizes what he just walked into.

"Am I interrupting something?" Sam says and Dean just rolls his eyes as Cas collapses down on the other side of the bed and Dean pulls up his boxers and throws the blanket off leaving Cas barely enough time to grab the blanket back down so he doesn't scar Sam which doesn't take a lot. 

"God Sam, I haven't been in a house with you in like 6 months and you're still a fucking cockblock." Dean says as he walks out, ruffling Sam's hair on the way out as Sam chases Dean down the hallway trying to wrestle him and Castiel just smiles and gets dressed, his trenchcoat flapping as he walked downstairs just in time to hear Gabriel making fun of Dean.

"Wow Dean, if I would've known this was the peep show I would've come down much faster and in much better style, I mean I need one student as a teacher's pet that's a guy and since you're dating my baby bro that gives me teasing perks so I'm all in, just let me know what underwear line we are using daily because I'm pretty sure that I have some Calvin Klein upstairs." Gabe says as he dodges the cereal box thrown at him and grabs his briefcase.

"Oh Deano, and while I'm sitting there tuning out my whole department at my department meeting. . ." Gabe says as he purposely walks out the door and leaves just a crack so he can still be heard.

"I'll make sure to type up an ass kiss chart that highlights the days that you kiss my ass and I kiss yours so Casanova here can decide which cheek he wants based off of my perky lips and. . ." Gabriel just barely gets out of the crack before Dean slams it in his face but just enough to spill the coffee in Gabe's hand.

"FUCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!"

"See you in class Mr. Novak, I'll make sure to bring your favorite shoe so I can shove it up your ass on the way out!"Dean screams as he opens the door and watches Gabe drive off with a huge coffee stain because he's already late. Dean waves and then gets back into the house plaid underwear and all and Castiel just smiles and pulls him in for a kiss.

"I love you." He says rubbing there noses together for an Eskimo kiss.

"I love you too Cas."

"Awww well I hate to break up the chick flick train but we have to leave in 5 minutes because it's our first wednesdate with Charlie in a. . . while and I don't want to miss it." Sam says awkwardly. The teachers have department chair meetings for an hour and a half Wednesday mornings so every Wednesday the school has a late arrival of 9:15 versus the 8 usual time which prompted Charlie to create Wednesdates every week where they all get together at Aimee's Coffee Shop to be typical white nerds for a little bit.

"Oh yeah right, you just want us to hurry up and get Jess so you can be all disgusting and make out in the back corner." Castiel says putting his eyeliner on in the bathroom mirror as Sam just stares creepily into his soul so Dean smacks Cas's ass which gets him a yelp in return and looks at Sam and goes "Mine." and kisses the top of Cas's head. 

"I love it when you get all possessive." Cas says winking.

"Oh yeah Dean, I get all tingly when you take control like that. It makes my gaydar senses spike." Sam says and then they are off again, Dean wrestling him to the ground only for Sam to pin Dean back down. Cas finishes and throws Dean his deodorant. 

"Put on some clothes hot stuff, the only person I want seeing your junk is me and I know for a fact that Charlie doesn't want to see it." Cas says grabbing the keys to the impala.

"Ehh it's just a difference in opinion. I don't mind hers, it's just not my go to." Dean says as he falls over trying to pull his jeans up but he gets up quick and is out of the bedroom, his flannel, Metallica shirt, leather jacket, boots, and all. Castiel had never seen the samulet shine so bright. Dean grabbed the keys out of Cas's hands, swooping in for a quick kiss of course and then they were on their way, Sam in the back of course with Jess coming and it was just so nice to be back that he barely even noticed Sam's smart ass comments about his music choice, they were just duly noted and tuned out. He hadn't felt this alive in years, but this was the easy part, with his friends, he knew they wouldn't judge him. He was more worried about the school's reaction, the stares. . . it's very spot on to say that he was glad his first day back was a Wednesdate because he was pretty sure that was the only thing keeping him from driving the opposite direction.

When they got to the Aimee's, Dean got the strongest coffee they had, a mocha latte, and a doughnut for Cas which he ever so politely put in a bag and put it in his mouth making Dean look like a dog with a bone in his mouth as he paid and went back to their table and sat down, Charlie even pet his head. Jo just made some snide remark about how he was whipped and even though the moment felt so great, he couldn't help but wonder what was soon to come at school and what everyone would think of him. Bobby and Gabriel had handled the school situation, his work for the last 4 weeks of the first quarter and then all of second quarter was exempt and all he had to make up was the first week of second semester which had little to nothing, just beginning of unit crap which Dean had finished in the hospital prior to his release. His psychologist had made him wait another day after he was released from suicide watch at home before returning fully which he had to say he was grateful for but he was just worried. What if he goes back there and everyone thinks of him as weak and they treat him horribly and act as though he isn't even there? He just got back from the dark, he can't go back ever. . .  because this time if he does, he knows he can't come back out. And then there is the fact that he's living in Cas/Gabriel's house because even though Bobby's was open, John knew where it was and they just couldn't risk that chance, and Baby had just finished getting fixed last night and. . ."

"Dean. . .  Dean?"

Dean is shaken out of his daydream by Castiel and he just kinda blinks and then catches on.

"Oh hey sorry. I'm just lost in thought is all." He says leaning on Cas's shoulder as Castiel embraces the simple touch.

"Whatcha thinkin about?" Castiel says cautiously, not wanting to push but nudging at the elephant in the room just to see if it was acceptable.

"I just, I worry is all." Dean says looking back out the window and out at Baby and all of her beautiful surroundings.

"Hey, look at me. It doesn't matter what they think, we know you, and we love you. I, I love you. Just focus on that." Castiel says pulling Dean face towards his.

"Okay. I'll try angel." Dean says getting a blush out of Cas and he smiles and kisses him before going back to listening to Charlie as she tirades on about how they all need to come over Friday and play this new Doctor Who card game she bought and drink copious amounts of alcohol. Dean of course cheers to that and she goes in for a fist bump and he just looks at her and pulls her into a hug which she quickly tightens and he can feel her getting teary and he has to mentally calm himself down because this is Charlie we're talking about.

"I love you Red."

"God, don't ever do something like that to me again or I swear on Matt Smith's regeneration that I will pull you back to our side and kick your ass."

"I missed you too."

"I'm coming over after school." 

"I already told Cas." She sits back and laughs to that and then it's all too soon but they are leaving and Jo's pulling him into a hug.

"Ellen and Bobby wish you good luck. They just are tired old people and I wouldn't let them wake up really early and call you. They'll be so mad when they realize I turned their alarm clocks off."

"Your mom already called, she had two set up."

"Damn those bastards." She says and Dean laughs, her brown eyes so soft and tender, he really did miss this, how did he not see everything that he was losing?

"I guess I'll see you in Calculus then."

"Yeah I guess." He says and starts to walk away but she pulls him back into another quick hug and whispers "Don't every change, no matter what." and kisses his cheek and proceeds to run back to Charlie as she hugs and embraces Jo and Dean smiles because they truly are the cutest couple ever besides him and Cas of course but that's a given.

Soon enough they are dropping Sam and Jess off at the middle school and of course Sam, the machoest man of all salutes Dean and says good luck with a straight face but Jess just rolls her eyes and hugs Dean and pecks him on the cheek.

"Love you Dean, you'll do great." She says, the cutest little smile on her face and Dean's heart just melts, she's always been part of their family even more so now that Sam and Jess are finally together.

"Of course sis, I have you." He says and she smiles and lets Sam help her out of the car and Dean watches them happily walk into the building holding hands, a little pep in their step. But he can;t help but notice right as they walk in that Sam looks back to Dean in the impala and nods solemnly and goes in, almost just to give Dean that little confidence boost and Dean smiles and nods back and drives off towards the lovely building of doom.

When he finally parks, he can already tell the attention Baby is getting him because everyone knows that he is the only one man enough to drive a 1967 Black Chevrolet Impala, but everyone has to make a grand entrance after a long time away right? Dean looks at Cas and Cas nods at him in reassurance, his grip on Dean's hand tightening and Dean puts on his sunglasses and says. . . "Let's do this."

As he gets out of the car and opens the door for Cas and feels all eyes on him he can't help but be reminded of Twilight, of course he watched and read the Twilight series come on, it's a guilty pleasure, when Edward Cullen walks out of the car for the first time with Bella at their high school and literally everyone is staring at them, yeah that's him and Cas except it's times like these that he wishes he was Robert Pattinson because maybe then he could have the superior acting skills that truly give off the impression that he doesn't care.

"You know everybody's staring." Castiel says and Dean barely holds back laughter at Castiel's pure bluntness so Dean decides that if he's going out, he's going out in style so he knows that this full on Twilight reference will go right over Castiel's head but he doesn't even care, and sure enough to his delight there is one guy not looking momentarily.

"Not that guy, ah, no he just looked. . . I'm breakin all the rules now anyway. . ." He says and he hesitantly puts his arm around Cas's shoulder and Cas just smiles in his cute little daze and then Dean says "Since I'm going to hell." and they both start laughing and walk into the school, ignoring everything around him, that is until they get to Dean's locker and he sees the little shrine built all around it, flowers and candles, and cards, and a big banner that says "SUICIDE IS NOT AN ANSWER. HELP OUR BRAVE SOUL." and he just stops dead in his tracks, everything rushing back to him like clockwork, the car crash, the depression, the knife, the dreams, Cas. It all came back in one swift motion as he ran and barely made it to the bathroom before he was puking his guts out into the toilet and sobbing, Cas right there pulling his hair back and rubbing his back. 

"Ssssshhhhhh, I'm so sorry baby, they were supposed to have that taken down Friday. I missed school yesterday and Monday because you wanted me there and I, I should have checked, I should have known. Shhhhh it's ok, it'll be ok. You're ok." Cas says and he can hear the bell ring but it doesn't matter, all that matters is Dean as he slowly gets Dean to calm his breathing but every time he does, he just goes back to puking and then it rises again, this must go on for another 15 minutes before Dean finally stops crying and puking and just sits there completely mute, laying on Cas's shoulder completely exhausted after half an hour of being in the school and Castiel cleans Dean's nose up from the vomit and gets him some water which is when he notices Dean holding on to the samulet, his knuckles white and Cas puts the cup to his lips and Dean downs in it in a matter of 10 seconds so Castiel fills it again and they just sit there for the remainder of the class period waiting for 2nd period which Castiel knows is Gabriel's planning period and as soon as the bell rings for second period to start Cas is up and moving, holding Dean up and leaning him onto his own body. Dean just looks at him in confusion and Cas says "We're going to see Gabe ok, he's going to get us out of here." and Dean just nods and then they are moving. Gabe's door is luckily open and Cas quickly walks in with Dean and quickly shuts the door and sets Dean down. He can see Gabe about to make a smart ass comment but then Gabe looks up and sees Dean's state and he barely gives Dean the trash can before he is sobbing and puking into it, mostly just water, nothing really coming out. 

"Cas give me the keys, I'll pull the Impala around to the window and you can take him through there. It's a double door, so you'll fit no problem, I'll deal with the school." Gabriel says and he no later is running down the hall to get to the car. It always amazes Cas how quickly his brother can go from a smart ass to go mode, no wonder he's a teacher and a good one at that. Dean stops and goes back to gripping the samulet by the time that Gabe gets back with the car and helps Castiel get Dean through the window and into the car.

"Take him to Bobby and Ellen's, they'll be able to help more than our empty house and they'll know what to do if you don't. That trash can is all yours for the taking especially now that he's glamourized it. I'm not expecting you to come back here but if he does end up staying the night there I think it would be best for you to come back home, Sam will be a wreck knowing that Dean is in a bad place but not knowing exactly how bad. If you need me, you know the drill, call me." Gabriel says patting Cas's shoulder, "Bye Deano, you're doing great brother just hang in there." He then waves to Cas as he drives off towards Bobby's, Dean asleep with the trash can in his hands next to him.

When he gets to Bobby's, they have everything needed at arms length almost like they had planned this, even the chair lift is set up so they wouldn't have to try and help Dean up the stairs. As Castiel lays next to Dean and feels Dean start to drift off, he kisses the top of his head and says "I love you." and Dean just looks up at him, the pain visible in his beautiful green eyes and closes them, just slow enough for Cas to know his response and then Dean falls asleep leaving Cas all alone, silent tears rushing down his face as he feels hatred for the world pouring through his veins just due to the fact that it consistently pains the one he loves most without reason to. He then closes his eyes and lets the darkness take him and dreams of a place where he and Dean can truly be in peace and wakes up crying once more as he realizes that it was only just a dream. Reality really is a hell on earth at times and he makes plans to avoid facing it at all costs. . . too bad that's not what reality had in store for him, or anyone else for that matter. 

"Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you." .  .  .

Then why the hell does it only feel like you're the one getting screwed over?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyyyyyy!!!! I know, it's been foreverrrrrr!!!! I'm a horrible author, I just, college makes everything hard but I needed to update and this made me feel so much better. You all have no idea. I hope you loved the twilight reference. It just popped into my head and it seemed perfect for the moment. The conversation is quoted to the tee. I love that part of the movie btw, if you haven't seen the movie, it doesn't matter. Just look up twilight edward and bella arrived at school. It's hilarious, that's some classic high school action right there. . . besides the vampire part but anyways. As much as I wanted Dean just to be better again, I knew better as an author and as a researcher and accurate freak that anyone that goes through something like that is going to have episodes and repercussions but they are short lived and Dean bounces back fast with everyone on his side so don't worry. Summer is here which means a little more time yay but I won't promise anything about updates because I always break them and feel bad so more updates hopefully. I pray so. I feel that my soul has been cleansed. You gotta love that Gabe action though, I missed his personality, humor is needed at times like this so I thought it was the perfect moment but of course Gabe was back on track when needed most just like the show but I love you all. Comment, subscribe, bookmark. Feedback is not only encouraged but embraced. Quick shoutout to SPN_bae_girl and everyone else that has given me feedback and comments. I really appreciate it. You all keep me going and it really helps me get through my own depression, etc. so yes thank you especially SPN_bae_girl. You really light up my day. Alright peace out bitches!!!!!!! Oh and P.S. I know I don't update that often but I'd still be willing to do a collaboration with someone if anyone wants to. I just feel like that is such a cool idea and two brains instead of one helps even more with updating so if you're interested, just let me know below!!!!! :)


	14. Dream a little dream of me

_Dean awakes in an open field, grass half dead and cold, the only sound that can be heard is the rustling of the dead leaves whistling in the brisk winter wind. The sky is cloudy and grey, giving off sort of an eerie feeling that sends shivers down Dean's spine right down to the bone as he puts his hands in his pockets and starts to walk in the direction of what appears to be a park of some sort. As he gets closer to it, he recognizes it as the park his mother used to take him and Sammy to when they were younger, yet all of the swings and park benches are abandoned, the wood dark and rotting, the swing chains rusted and filled with cobwebs. A light snow starts to fall as he searches for any signs of life which is when he hears a voice just loud enough to be heard far off in the distance and he starts to walk towards it, it getting louder as he gets closer and then he recognizes the raven black mess that is Castiel's hair and he takes off, practically sprinting as he watches everything around him almost come to life, flowers and laughter and sunshine, a meadow beautiful and lively until he finally sees him from behind and tackles him reaching his arms around Castiel's waist._

_"I love you Cas." Dean says turning back around and kissing Castiel on the lips for just a moment in pure bliss until he realizes Castiel isn't responding at all and then he backs away as he looks down and sees the knife wound and the head wound and the blood just pouring out yet perfectly still and then all of the flowers turn black and the scenery changes and it's him in the impala, bloody knife in hand, blood pouring down and blinding his vision until all he sees is dirt and he's in a coffin alive pounding on the outside as he watches Castiel and Sam shoveling the dirt on top completely oblivious and then he hears Castiel again screaming Dean,  Dean, . . ._  DEAN!!!!!

Dean jolts awake, a cold sweat dripping down his forehead, and practically knocks a worried Castiel off of the bed.

"Dean, are you, are you ok.?" Castiel says hesitantly which is when Dean notices the scratches on Cas's arms and the look of fear embedded in his beautiful blue sapphire eyes.

"Did I. . . did I hurt you?" Dean says purposely not looking into Castiel's eyes and getting up and putting some clothes on, realizing he is in only his underwear.

"It's just a couple of scratches, I'm ok, it's. . . it's fine, it's nothing." Castiel says and looks up to see Dean all but running out of the house as he chases after him only to see him walking towards the impala. 

"You don't deserve this Cas."

"Dean, don't."

"I fucking hurt you Cas! I fucking scratched you, I see the look of fear in your eyes, you're terrified of me!"

"Dean, no just come back, I'm fine, it's. . ."

"What, nothing?" Dean says throwing his hands in the air and brushing them through his hair.

"It's not nothing Cas and you know it, you just love me too much and I shouldn't have let you in, I should've left you and. . ."

"And what Dean?" Castiel says reaching towards Dean and putting his hand on Dean's shoulder which he all but shoves off.

"Left me there to die because you and I both know how fucked up I was, you saved me, you made me whole."

"No I fucking didn't Cas, I fucking was in a coma for three months because I'm too fucking fucked up to deal with anything, I put you through hell, you don't deserve this, I have to go, I have to leave, I have to. .." Dean says as he opens up the front door to the impala.

"Dean, please, don't. . .  please don't leave me." Castiel says, silent tears rushing down his face which stops Dean dead in his tracks. Dean immediately turns around and embraces Castiel swallowing him whole as he kisses Cas, letting himself go in his beautiful eyes. He then pulls Castiel closer and starts to memorize everything about him, the way he tilts his head to slot their lips together, the way his tongue dances against his desperately, almost as if he is trying to join their mouths into one, the feeling of Cas's pink, plush lips against his and the way his stubble rubs against his own. He then kisses Castiel's forehead and sucks at the spot on his neck that leaves him breathless and wanting to hear the way his breath hitches one last time. He then pulls away far too soon and rests his nose on top of Castiel's and just stares into his eyes, memorizing the shape, color, and look of love he gives Dean every time he sees him. 

"I"m not leaving you Angel. . . I'm letting you go, I love you Cas. . . don't ever change." Dean says and before Castiel can respond he punches him square in the face, knocking him out into Dean's arms. He quietly carries him up the stairs and lays him down onto the bed, puts the blanket over him, kisses his forehead, slow tears streaming down his face, and handcuffs him to the bedpost using the handcuffs john gave him years ago. He then slowly walks out of the the bedroom and down the hallway but stops outside Sammy's bedroom because he just can't help it. He slowly walks in, thanking god that everyone in this house is a heavy sleeper and kisses Sammy's forehead, his soft snoring making him cry even more.

"God dammit Dean, pull yourself together. They deserve better, you need to. . ." Dean starts to say as he walks out of the bedroom but is interrupted by a soft familiar voice.

"Dean?" Sam says sitting up, turning on his bedside lamp and rubbing his eyes, his long brown hair in a disarray. 

"Hey Sammy." Dean says as he wipes the tears away, puts on his strong big brother facade and turns around and sits on the side of the bed, hugging his little brother and ruffling his hair.

"What are you doing in here?" Sam says returning the hug slightly confused and refusing to let go because as much as he doesn't want Dean to know it, he's terrified that if he does let go of Dean, he'll never see him again.

"I was just going to the bathroom when I heard the loud ass snoring of a Samsquatch and I of all people know how rare they are so I had to come in and see it for myself." Dean says ruffling Sam's hair once more now that Sam's more awake which successfully annoys him and he smacks Dean on the side of the head and gives him the bitchface look but he can't hold it for long and they both start laughing just for a little bit and then reality slips back in and they sit in silence for a few moments before Sam breaks the silence.

"Dean. . . you know I love you right?" Sam says looking up at Dean with his little brown puppy eyes that just crack his mask each and every time.

"Of course Sammy, I love you too, even with your girly ass haircut, soon I'm going to have to start calling you Samantha." Dean says and then Sam tries to wrestle Dean down to the bed but Dean's stronger and he just laughs as Sam struggles and gives up after a very short amount of time.

"Go to bed, I'll see ya. . . later." Dean says and starts to get up but Sam tugs his sleeve.

"Um Dean." Sam says awkwardly, shifting in his seat.

"Yeah Sam, what's up?" Dean says trying to hold it together.

"Uh never mind, it's nothing, go on back to sleep, I'm sorry I woke you." Sam says letting go of Dean's sleeve and turning back over onto his bed so that Dean couldn't see him.

"No, it's not. Just tell me. I know you, you wouldn't have asked if it was." Dean says sitting back on the bed as Sam slowly turns back around and Dean can see that he's fighting back tears in his eyes which breaks Dean's heart in two.

"Well um, I know it's stupid, but I was just wondering if you could, well maybe stay?" Sam asks and he finally looks Dean in the eyes and it's like the flood gates are open and he pulls Dean into a hug and starts sobbing, Dean pulling him closer and rubbing the back of his head.

"Of course I can Sammy, that's not stupid, what's wrong." 

"I just, I missed you Dean, I don't want to lose you. I love you too much." Sam says in between sobs practically soaking Dean's inside black t-shirt not that he cares.

"I know Sam, I know, shh, shh, just lay down. I'm here, I'm staying." Dean says barely holding it together as he lays him and Sam down and lets Sam snuggle on top of his chest, arms still around him and then Dean pulls the blanket up over them slowly as Sam closes his eyes and Dean starts to sing.

_Hey Jude_

_Don't make it bad_

_Take a sad song and make it better_

_Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better._

_Hey Jude_

_Don't be afraid_

_You were made to go out and get her_

_The minute you let her under your skin_

_Then you begin_

_To make it better_

_And any time you feel the pain_

_Hey Jude refrain_

_Don't carry the world up on your shoulders_

_For well you know that it's a fool_

_Who plays it cool, by making his world a little colder_

_Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na_

By the end of the song, Sam is sound asleep and Dean slowly slides out of the grip Sam has on him, puts the rest of the blanket off of him, kisses his forehead, and walks out of the house, the tears overcoming him and rushing down his face.

"I love you Sammy, but this is for the best." He says climbing into the impala, and he starts the car, driving off to who knows where, the rain starting to pick up, and siencing the sound of his tears, the radio blasting loud enough for him to stop feeling anything and his sobbing slowly stops until he finally gets to the edge of Bobby's property, past the junkyard, and the house. Right as he is about to pass the garage, his car starts to stop and slow down and he looks down and recognizes the red arrow pointing towards the empty and realizes he is out of gas.

"FUCK!" He screams and slams his hands on the steering wheel. He then gets out and kicks the fucking front tire and just sits there by the fucking tire, sobs ripping through him once again and when he finally gets himself together again, he remembers he is right outside the garage and gets up and goes inside, knowing Bobby has some gas cans in there especially since he works there. He goes in the back way because he didn't bring Bobby's set of keys and he immediately goes to the back shelves and there are no gas cans at all.

"What the fuck?! These shelves are always fucking full and I know I fucking put gas in my car the other day. What the hell?" Dean says kicking the side of the shelves and then the office light turns on.

"Not what the hell, who the hell. Come on boy, I know you better than that. You really thought that after all this shit that hit the fan today I would leave you gas in your car and gas on the shelves. Now I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the pack but I'm not fucking stupid. I've known you all your life, of course I knew you'd try to leave. Sit down son, Ellen's making a pie in the back, you boys woke her up with all that screamin' of yours and she knew you'd need it, it'll be done shortly." Bobby says walking towards him, Dean's rage slowly fading until Bobby rests his hand on Dean's shoulder and he practically jerks from the simple touch. He starts to walk away but he catches Bobby's eyes and he just can't leave so he walks back and sits down at the table, him and Bobby just sitting in a comfortable silence until Bobby pulls him into a hug, and says "Ya idjit, we love ya, and nothing is every going to change that." Dean starts to cry a little but he quickly wipes the tears away not wanting to cry in front of Bobby. Ellen comes in a few minutes later with the pie and it's apple and she just takes one look at Dean as she sets it down and pulls him into a hug as Dean starts sobbing, he doesn't  even care at this point.

"Oh Dean." Ellen says pulling him closer. "You have to stop this idea in your head that you can leave us. We won't allow it. You're stuck with us forever, whether you like it or not" She says which gets a small laugh out of Dean.

"Alright now eat your damn pie and go to bed, it's late, we'll talk in the morning." Ellen says taking her apron off and kissing Dean on the top of the head which makes him blush.

"And you better not tell Jo about this or I'll never hear the end of it, you know how she is, my soft spot and all." Ellen says rolling her eyes and Dean just laughs and scarfs down his pie.

"As long as you don't tell her about me either." Dean says mouth completely full.

"Well, it's a little late for that, lover boy here's screams of terror woke me up, seriously Dean, handcuffs." Jo says, practically dragging a sobbing Castiel over to the table. When his eyes met Dean's they quickly lit up and he ran over and knocked Dean over practically straddling him on the ground almost as if he was trying to make sure Dean was real. 

"Cas I'm sorr. . ." Dean starts to say but is quickly interrupted when Castiel smacks him across the face.

"Ow Cas, what the fuck? . . . " Dean starts to say but Castiel gives him a knowing look, his face stained with tear marks and he just sighs and says "Ok yeah I deserved that" which makes everyone respond with "Yeah, you did." Castiel then starts kissing Dean all over which Dean accepts and returns the favor but they interrupted by a disturbed Jo going "AH MY EYES, THEY"RE BURNING." as she pretends to stumble around the garage space.

"Oh yeah and I'm sure you do nothing of that sorts when you're with Charlie." Ellen replies, which gets a full head to toe blush out of Joe and they all laugh as she tries to hide it.

"Alright ya idjits, can we please go to bed now, all this lovey dovey shit is making me nauseous." Bobby says leading them back to his truck, and Jo's little volkswagen.

"Ah come on Bobby, you know you're a sap." Dean says jokingly kissing Castiel again which Castiel happily responds with as he then sits on Dean in the front seat facing towards Dean so they can kiss some more and then he just barely grinds down on Dean's pelvis which gets a groan out of Dean that makes him and Jo blush as she gets in the drivers seat.

"CAS." Dean and Jo say at the exact same time and Castiel just shrugs and says, "I was handcuffed to the bed, no matter what the circumstances, it's always going to be a little bit kinky."

"Damn Dean, what have you done to Cas? He used to be so innocent." Jo says as they pull up to the house and they get out, heading inside.

"Trust me Joanna Beth, you don't want to know." By this time everyone is so tired that they just ignore the comment and trudge up the stairs, each person laughing and making a note to bother Sam about how he truly can sleep through anything.

As Castiel and Dean slide into bed, Castiel kisses Dean on the lips and straddles him, slowly bringing his lips up to Dean's mouth and then right as he is about to kiss him, he handcuffs Dean's hands to the the other bedpost.

"Cas."

"Next time you try and leave me, I won't be so kind." Castiel says and lays on top of Dean's chest promptly falling asleep, leaving a handcuffed Dean extremely confused but he just shrugs and goes to sleep, the emotional exhaustion of the day catching up with him. But he is just so glad to have Castiel laying beside him that none of that matters.

"Well played Cas, well played." Dean says and soon enough the house is quiet, the only sound to fill the house being the soft snores of the Samsquatch nesting in his room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I know it's been a while, but I hoped you liked this chapter. The end is near. Love you all. Comment, subscribe, bookmark, whatever. Feedback is encouraged. Sorry I'm kind of in a rush so if there are errors, that's why, ok bye!


	15. New beginnings. . .hopefully

_Dear Mom,_

_It's. . . been a while. I know that I fucked up but you seriously knew what you were talking about when you said angels were watching out for me mom because Cas is just. . . god Mom he's just so fucking beautiful. I'm gonna marry him one day I swear, even if it's the last thing I do. It's been about a month and a half since I woke up after I, I attempted suicide Mom. . . I'm so fucking sorry, I know I shouldn't have but it just seemed so fulfilling and it seemed like the right thing to do but I was wrong, so fucking wrong. Cas helps me see that now Mom. I swear it must have been you that sent him to me because he has your aura that brought me back to the light and has managed to do so again. I'm still watching out for Sammy, the little shit just keeps on growing. . . you always said he would outgrow me one day. It looks like you were right. I have spent these past few weeks just watching Cas, the way he writes in class, his eyes extremely focused on the subject at hand and his hand writing everything down so fast yet still so focused elsewhere on me and the way he blushes when he catches me staring at him, I swear it's almost like his nerves just buzz with electricity and his whole entire body temperature rises and his cheeks are so pink that his lips look dull in comparison. When we kiss, I can see the love and adoration he has for me in the haze around his pupils, as they dilate and I get lost in the music and songs lost somewhere behind his beautiful blue eyes, and his stubble, god there is just enough and not too much and it kills me as it brushes up against mine. He makes me feel whole again, almost as if my whole life was just a search to find the missing part inside and it's him and it always has been. I love you Mom, and thank you for bringing me my angel, Castiel James Novak. I will never love another._

_With Love,_

_Dean._

It had been a little over a month since the incident at school and Dean was falling easily back into the school routine now that he found he had reason to live and a goal in mind. Cas made him want to give him the world not only because he was so amazing but because he made Dean feel amazing and like he deserved it. His grades weren't shit, he was actually doing great in his classes, especially english, his imagery skills coming to life just due to the pure beauty and attempt of description that is his angel, Castiel James Novak. Cas was doing amazing in art class as usual, his work soon to be recognized in the art show. And no matter what Dean knew that as long as he had Cas, his life would be worth the heartache. And as he drove down the street in Baby, the smooth black leather seats giving him the perfect sense of home, he turned to Castiel and felt that for the first time in his life, everything truly would be alright. Castiel noticed the simple smile upon his face and smiled back, laying on his shoulder and kissing his cheek.

"Where will we go?" Cas said, looking out onto the open road that seemed to stand still in front of them as the trees and scenery moved beside them.

And Dean looked at him and back to the road full of opportunity that lay ahead and said, "To the stars."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it took me so long but thank you to everyone who stuck with this story and I love you all. It's been a bumpy ride but one I will hold on to for a while. My next one is going to be a little more dim and sad but hopefully you'll read it. Thank you so much.


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